Haven't looked at the last post to see what was written, BUT I figured I could write and if its redundant, than my 2 followers who understand DID, will "get it" haha. Oooooh brother!
Well, its all cozy in my new apartment and it's beautiful, in a beautiful place, smells beautiful and is sparkly clean. I love that I'm not in the my area's ghetto any longer!
Things are going so well- there have been moments but I've been trying to do things to keep me, how shall I say... peppy???
A friend borrowed a favorite CD of mine and recently returned it. I've found that as simple as it is, it's been a little treasure of mine. It's instrumental swing jazz and is upbeat and fun. You can't help but do a little bee-bop while listening to it. I love it. So in the mornings, I've been listening to it on the way to the office. It somehow holds the fronters in position - though sometime I have no idea who's in front because most are co-conscious and I'm always watching. That's how it feels right now - I'm watching and listening to someone else do the talking and walking, but I'm enjoying every minute of it so I don't mind at all. I've even been SOCIABLE - OH MY!
Something I love when I'm in moods like this - is how clean everything is kept. I'm not a clean freak by any means....but SOMEONE in there is haha and I love that and wish I were more like it.
Next....
It is interesting for me to be where I am observing. Nearly a week ago I was spiraling and today I'm on top of the world. Sometimes I think I'm bi-polar, but I know that's not it, I know its simply someone else and I'm starting to recognize the patterns, I just wish they'd talk to me a little more. I have a harder time at night of course and then there's the inevitable dread of going to sleep because you never know what you'll dream. THEN in the mornings, everything is bright and beautiful again. It's not always like that. Sometimes the mornings can be just as dark as the night and sometimes the night can hit mid-afternoon when the pressure's on to hit deadlines, but I know that when push comes to shove, there will be days like this. Days when I can sit back and watch things happen, watch things fall in to place as they should because someone else is driving and they ultimately drive better than me.
I know who it is. She refused to come out for a while because she wanted me to step it up (at my request, I'd asked her to help me) and I did but I needed a break and she was ready to go, so it's worked out perfectly. THANK YOU DEAR ONE, YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE!!
At first, when the diagnoses of DID came into play, I was angry that there were other people there and I just wanted them gone. Then after a while, I realized how much they'd done for me, what they've given and given up. I realized that theirs were the voices I would hear cheering me on when no one else in the whole world knew I needed it. That's not to say that there aren't those who do the opposite. In fact, I have more opposers than I do team mates, but I think we're playing on a more level field than ever before right now and that makes me a happy camper.
BREAK
Still on break from therapy. A friend told me, "When you decide to take you break, drop everything having to do with it at the door and don't pick it up, don't think about it, don't even go there and just enjoy the time and have fun" I've tried to do that and found myself obsessing over it. Haha - imagine that. BUT Its helped me because I've had the time to process so much of what's taken place...
FOR INSTANCE -
I went to the store to buy a new coffee pot. I wanted a programmable one so I can wake up to coffee in the morning. I found one I wanted and many boxes were under the display, so I grabbed one and continued shopping. Got to the register and found it to be $2.00 cheaper than I thought - SCORE! Got home, unpacked, unwrapped, washed and ran some water through it just because...did all of that before realizing that this was NOT the coffee pot I wanted. This one was not programmable. WHAA???
SO, the reasoning began, "Well you don't drink much coffee at home anyway since there's an unlimited pot at the office and it's way cheaper - this one will do"
ANother said, "NO, Don't settle, get the one you want. This one is not it, get off your lazy a** and do it, get the one you really wanted in the first place. "
Another, "Who cares? It's a coffee pot"
Another, "Hello?!? Coffee is serious business, we can't have just ANY coffee pot, it should be the right one and it should match the rest of the appliances."
Another, "You're too lazy to get it, just be happy with what you got"
Another, "You shouldn't have spent the money, you should bring it back, what about the curtains?"
Another, "Yes I agree"
Another, "Coffee?? icky, why would anyone wanna drink that stuff?"
Another, "Mmmmm I want coffee now!"
and on and on and on it went - sometimes I just have to giggle at everyone, they make me laugh.
I decided not to settle and got off my lazy a** and got the one I wanted and couldn't believe the rounds of "I'm proud of you"s that I got from the inside. We settled on the ghetto apt because we desperately needed to get out the situation we were in. We settled on the car after the accident because we had to have one right then and the pressure was intense. We settled on getting run over at home, in the office, with friends - no more. No more settling. Done. Finit-O. LLB's gonna get what LLB wants.
I got my coffee pot, brought it home and it fits. It just fits.
