Recovery

Its a huge word...recovery. Selah.

I live a privileged life.  Not so much financially,  but my little world is abundantly filled with love.

Still recovering from surgery and doing so quite nicely if I do say so. A few more kinks to work out, but it is what it is. 

Physical recovery is so different from mental recovery. In one sense I'm getting my life back by slowly relieving the physical pain. Mentally however it's a battle. Much of the group internally wants to see it through to the end while the bigger scarrier parts want everyone over right now.  They're angry we woke from surgery. More so to find that a second surgery will be postponed. Conflicts like this can be almost unbearable, I write as the primary fronting member of the team. My job typically consists of holding the groups together and  keeping things functioning on the outside regardless of what's happening inside our head.

Strange how people sharing one body can be polar opposites. Looking around me this very moment,  I can see little touches of love and life that have long since been removed.  I was giving into the other, darker parts of the team and felt hopeless.  Now things are changing and I don't want to go back to the 'dark side'  It really is dark in many places. I can't hold everything together like I used to,  people are as disagreeable as our current government.

How do I get past this?  I'm trying to remind myself often that there's a process to recovery.  Following surgery comes physical therapy.  It doesn't happen as instantly as I would like,  but it will happen.  Soon, I'll be driving again,  working again and in my same ole routine. While there are obstacles to face and overcome,  there's an ending. There's a light at the end of the tunnel.  Regardless of how it looks and feels on the inside right now, I know there's an end and I'm looking forward to it.

Revovery....huge word

Being normal

Who defines 'normal' anyway?

We are working very hard at being normal-ish since family is here to help with surgery stuff. HOWEVER, my parents are accustomed to spending time with various persons, so it works out ok. When I told them about DID, without skipping a beat my Mom said, "Well that explains a lot". Lol, so I guess normalcy hasn't ever really been my normal.

Today I'm overwhelmed with love and a feeling of wholeness just because of being with them. Physically in bad shape for a few more days, lots of scattered parts in our head but feeling whole. ..this is how normal should be.  I'm sorry for those who don't have what I do and wish they could all experience this feeling, even if just for a moment.

I think this is what normal should be.

Are you normal? Do people feel strong and whole around you?

They don't around me, but I'm working on it.

Discussing Dissociation Blog

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She's got loads of info, excellent articles and just overall greatness. Its a MUST READ!

Mental mornings

There it is- you were already up anyway trying to recover from the latest nightmare.  Just laying there, fiiiiinally about to doze off and...

BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP!

You really want to throw it against the wall, but you haven't the energy to turn it off so eventually you hit the snooze button.

Here it comes.  Damn! I'm still alive! G-d, why couldn't you just take me in my sleep?
Sorry, I know days are a gift from you, right now it just doesn't feel like it. Sorry I said damn, I don't deserve to live.

The day is approaching and you feel it as it gets closer. Its a dreadful feeling as the weighty-ness draws near,  the knowing that there's things to do, people to see, responsibilities to attend and the happy mask to wear. Dark, so dark.

The crew starts their good mornings:
How many PTO hours can we call in?

No! I want to color! Can I have a popsicle?

We can do this, work is great, but what to wear?

Ouch, major pain, what to do about this?

Who cares?  Here's jeans, faded black shirt, put the hair up and go.

Good morning starshine, the earth says hello!

Did you hear what she said?

I want to die.

Absolutely not, we should look professional, boss is watching us! One step at a time remember?

Where's Mommy? I don't like the dark.

There there peanuts, go back to sleepytown, the grownups have it today . You can play and color and eat Popsicles after work, deal?

Why did you bite off the nails? They were so long and pretty,  you suck!

Who are you? What's your name?

Weeeeee sunshine da-a-a  everybody's smiling oooh it's a sunshine da-ay....

You're dead!

Can I wear pigtails?

Help me, I can't do this, I'll take over and drive into a wall if this body gets up.

Shout from someone-Alphas to the front!
Snap, at attention

- Happy faces on!
Snap, in place.

BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP

Ok! I'm up I'm up....roll out of bed.

EmOTIonALRolLERCoaSTEr

Emotions are beneficial, regardless of what my mind tells me. G-d gave them to us for a reason. They are good and useful when in proper balance.

...therein lies my problem.

Memories seem to come to me in floods mostly it seems. One day...nothing, whole years of things I forgot and honestly would prefer to have forgotten. With those memories come emotions...or at least I think they should??

When I first began to remember things, it was before I'd started seeing my therapist and for the first several days, there was no emotion whatsoever. I disclosed my memories to a friend (which was a miracle in itself) who said to me, "Wow you're taking this well, I'd be curled up in a ball somewhere". She later told me she'd been very worried that I had become stoic because I showed no emotion towards what I remembered. I'm sure it made it difficult to believe, but there were other factors she knew about and these memories just served to tie it together.

About a week or so after remembering is when it started to hit me and then I crashed big time. That crash was so terrifying that I finally broke down and called my friend of one year and scheduled an appointment. I'd known her for 6 months before I realized what she did, I guess we just never got to that subject, we were always chatting about other things. She's proven to be an incredible gem in my life and I have no doubt that our Messiah caused our paths to cross. Most websites that I've read tell me never to choose a counselor that I know, but I honestly don't think I would have talked to anyone else.

Today I remembered something while driving in the car - I heard a sound that instantly brought me back to a situation where I could have easily been killed. Suddenly it was though I was there in that moment - it was a flashback. They happen. I didn't lose it.l I didn't freak out, but then I'm not really the type that does...I wish I was. I wish I could produce tears, but oh well. If you knew me IRL, you wouldn't notice me at all..I'm not a weird person or anything. I can laugh great big belly laughs, I can crack jokes and carry on in the business world as I do every day - I have very good fronters. Thank you wonderful A team! YOU are the BEST!

At this moment, I really don't feel anything towards it, I just remember that it happened. Should I feel something? I dunno? One thing I clearly remember about that memory is what I was thinking at the moment it was going on. I was thinking, I should be afraid right now and I'm not. Something about that seemed strange to me at the time and yet I was only a child. I think I'd already made very clear barriers at that point and had already been well taught how to forget. Now I remember and I'm not sure how I'm supposed to feel if anything, if at all even.

On the other hand... I actually CAN produce tears (Tears can cry, but she rarely comes out), but when I do...Katie, bar the door! After that crash noted above, I was found curled up in a bathtub crying (for the 3rd day straight) and had made roughly 300 cuts and 30 burns. I don't remember any of it except dealing with the healing of those marks for quite some time. If I do release emotion, it comes like a torrential downpour and I've been taught never to let that happen, so it doesn't happen often and hasn't since that last "episode". My counselor says it's strange that I've been seeing her as long as I have and I've never cried in her presence.  Our upbringing has been that you don't let anyone know when you're having problems, you just put your big girl panties on and deal with it. Big girls don't cry. Big girls don't cry. Big girls don't cry remember?  No, the dead can't feel pain and that's how we're supposed to be towards things, like a dead person.

this part of it sucks and I want it to SO be over like yesterday. Please G-d, don't let me have bad dreams from this tonight.