Mental mornings

There it is- you were already up anyway trying to recover from the latest nightmare.  Just laying there, fiiiiinally about to doze off and...

BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP!

You really want to throw it against the wall, but you haven't the energy to turn it off so eventually you hit the snooze button.

Here it comes.  Damn! I'm still alive! G-d, why couldn't you just take me in my sleep?
Sorry, I know days are a gift from you, right now it just doesn't feel like it. Sorry I said damn, I don't deserve to live.

The day is approaching and you feel it as it gets closer. Its a dreadful feeling as the weighty-ness draws near,  the knowing that there's things to do, people to see, responsibilities to attend and the happy mask to wear. Dark, so dark.

The crew starts their good mornings:
How many PTO hours can we call in?

No! I want to color! Can I have a popsicle?

We can do this, work is great, but what to wear?

Ouch, major pain, what to do about this?

Who cares?  Here's jeans, faded black shirt, put the hair up and go.

Good morning starshine, the earth says hello!

Did you hear what she said?

I want to die.

Absolutely not, we should look professional, boss is watching us! One step at a time remember?

Where's Mommy? I don't like the dark.

There there peanuts, go back to sleepytown, the grownups have it today . You can play and color and eat Popsicles after work, deal?

Why did you bite off the nails? They were so long and pretty,  you suck!

Who are you? What's your name?

Weeeeee sunshine da-a-a  everybody's smiling oooh it's a sunshine da-ay....

You're dead!

Can I wear pigtails?

Help me, I can't do this, I'll take over and drive into a wall if this body gets up.

Shout from someone-Alphas to the front!
Snap, at attention

- Happy faces on!
Snap, in place.

BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP

Ok! I'm up I'm up....roll out of bed.

Invisible blog

Anyone know how to fix this thang from a phone??

Good Things/Bad Things

Hey look! Found my log-in info and got this shiny new app on my phone. I'm ready to blog!

Been out of touch with blogging for a while, dealing with a few things lately like everyone else I guess. Having the first of a few surgeries soon, so I'll have more time for blogging yay! Blog therapy!

On to an actual topic...

Let's get physical!

Physical issues are often a commonality among DID peeps. In many occurrences, the problems are undiagnosable by the medical community.  Something hurts. Something somewhere isn't right. We go for test after test after test, dishing out all our bill money to frustratingly discover a wall. Stooopid walls!

On the other hand,  there are very diagnosable conditions that while treatable, aren't 100% curable without a miracle (I absolutely believe in those)  and become something we are forced to live with. It becomes a chronic issue. That's what I want to write about today.

I recently read a book by Dr Steven Pollard called, "Chronic Pain: A Self-Help Guide" . It is a gut honest account of what this man has experienced.  He puts into words everything I've thought,  but haven't been able express.  I appreciate it so much, its brought me to tears a few times both for my sadness for Dr Pollard, but also in how well I was able to relate.  Pain really blows.

So,  in my quest to live more positively,  I am trying to drum up conclusions about pain that I should be grateful for.  Does that sound crazy? I can't help it. I just so happened to be a bit crazy... read the blog title after all.

Here's what I've got so far:

1)Pain's voice expresses to us that something needs to be addressed.

2 Pain can be humbling which isn't always a bad thing.

3)Pain can teach; from it I am learning to have compassion for hurting people.

4) From pain,  I can also learn to have grace and mercy towards others understanding that pain is different for everyone.

That's it for the moment.  Come on someone read this and write your GOOD pain thoughts.

Agree-abilities

While we may not agree on all things like clothing, hair style, make-up colors or make-up at all, one thing we do agree on is....



CHOCOLATE


I am thrilled, that everyone in this system agrees on chocolate. If we can't find anything to agree on, we always eat a piece to remind ourselves that we do have a few things in common.

White chocolate? Dark Chocolate? Milk Chocolate? Chocolate and fruit? Chocolate and nuts? Chocolate gravy? Mole? Chocolate Liquor?

As I type this, I'm asking everyone a "Yes" or "No" I've yet to hear a "No" even from the health nuts. After all, we all eat chocolate for the magnesium and anti-oxidants right? Right. That's my story and I'm sticking to it. HA! I'm getting "Amens!" from the inside. Sometimes I really wish others could hear the conversations going on in my head. It would be a comedic relief to some and a sad sad book to others. OH well, it is what it is.

Feeling a bit better these days. I've had company back to back - which I love and didn't know I would. It's been a surprise really to so enjoy hosting people in my little abode when I'm so NOT the social butterfly. My fabulous new doctor whom I discovered by accident...literally, we ran into each other in the hall way... doubled my medication. It makes me nauseaus, but I really do think it's helping slowly but surely. I'm trying to see if I can tell a difference between whether or not it's the medication or if it's the wonderful company that I've had here lately.

My current company is also DID and has been at the healing process for 20 years. 12 of which she took a break. She works with my same therapist and has traveled thousands of miles to be here. I'm so glad, she's such a help to me. The majority of the team is very comfortable around her and comfortable talking to her knowing that she understands to a depth that few in my face-to-face world could. She's been such a support and tremendous resource of information - she knows things before I tell her and can often put into words, with explanation, things that I am experiencing now. I hope she writes a book. We need a DID for Newly Diagnosed Dummies - wouldn't that be a great idea for some of you writers??? eh?

Ah, tonight we're curling up with the sweetest chee-waa-waa on earth and chillaxin with some chocolate. Crossing my fingers that when we close the eyes to sleep, we're not met with violent terrors of the imagination, but a peaceful rest - chocolatey smooth and chocolatey rich. mmmmm Yummy!

Insert catchy title here...

Normal.

Does anyone really even know what it looks like?

Different strokes for different folks I suppose. So many things I wish I understood - I'm a bit jealous of those who appear to be outwardly living "normally" according to my perceived ideas as to what normal is.

To some people, even some like us, it's easy to go on and have a life. People continue through life, speaking from the woman's perspective: meeting their future husbands >courtship>marriage>family all of it. I can't seem to make it that far. A realization that we've recently come to is that the giving and recieving of love is a difficult concept for most of us. It's a crazy idea really, there's a depth of course to which we understand it otherwise there would have been no salvation, no receiving of Yeshua as the Messiah. There is however a facet of it that no part of this system will dare tap into all because of fear. Isn't it ironic citing the fact that perfect love casts out fear?

Dating: The last few guys I've gone out with were wonderful, intelligent, full of upright character and lovers of Yeshua. Not the first one has been pushy, ok maybe the last one, but for the most part, they've genuinely been great guys. The first few dates are always so much fun and there's such an excitment to know that someone is interested in getting to know you. Therein lies the fear. The minute that it goes from just surface "getting to know you" communication to something with a little more depth, a little more substance, I have no problem hearing and learning about them. This team however, is off limits. I instantly cut them off - and harshly.

So..... I started this post back in September and then forgot my log-in. THANK YOU FOR WHO EVER IT WAS THAT REMINDED ME!

Sad, but I'm basically in the same frame of mind. Thankfully, Halloween and my birthday have both passed and I survived yet another year and can officially say that the body is thirty-something. How awful. Not the age part so much. but more the fact that I can look back over my life and instead of thinking, "Wow, I've really done something in these last thirty-something years" I think, "I am the most unaccomplished person I know."

Someone (a relative) told me recently, "I just knew you'd be a judge by now - you've got all the makings for it!" A nephew asked, "Aren't you ever going to get married? Are you even a grown-up? You don't even have kids yet." My neice said, "You're a kid Aunt LLB". "Yeah, guys, I guess so. Aunt LLB sucks."

I know, I know, pity party going on here - Many many people have had way worse circumstances than me and gone on to accomplish great things. I used to have it together believe it or not, but then the system started to fail me. One person inside told me, "The team just got tired." She spoke of course of the key players - the Alpha team - or the happy faces as I call them. They're the day-time people that have everything together, social butterflies, workers, conversationalists, level-headed people who are ok. Apparently, everyone's exhausted. I don't get to sit back and watch things happen now - now I'm involved and I'm not as good at life as they are.

Today, I read the blog of someone raised in foster care who had a tremendously difficult - to put it lightly- upbringing. I have had an amazing upbringing  - wth am i so screwed up?

So many thoughts in this head...

WHY am I so screwed up?
Its not that bad, I don't feel a thing.
You're still in denial - T. says that we are the Queen of Denial and that not much will be accomplished in our sessions until we deal with that.
It's not denial if its not real - imagination, that is what this is.
Nothing is real - this is all a dream. Everything...even the dogs.
Screw it all. You suck. I hate you and wish you were dead.
Not a good idea - too much debt, bank would take everything. Maybe after the credit card is paid off and the car note is a little further down. out of sight out of mind
You're minimizing.
No I'm not. I'm weak and need my ass kicked into gear. I'm lazy and need to get it up and DO something.

....to name a few.

A few years ago, I had a bright and promising future. I was grounded.l I had a career in a unique field in a niche market and had just been offered an executive level position the likes of which had never been offered to someone my age before. Where has this person gone? Where did the happy go? It all started just before therapy. How do I get that back? Now I have zilch ambition, nothing particulary shiny on the horizon of life. Granted, not everything that glitters is gold, but come on - geeez maybe I'm just whining. This is first night of Hannukah - supposed to be fun! whatever - i should have taken 2 celexa today.  I'm an ungrateful person - so much given to me, so many beautiful life experiences, so many people who care and I'm taking hours in the morning trying to talk myself into getting out of bed because I'm supposed to. Somebody, please come kick my ass, I'm having an "I'm pathetic" day.

RUTH - if you read this. Thank you thank you thank you for all your comments. I so appreciate them. For some reason, when I try to reply, it always logs me out and asks me to log back in again. I do not know why, I've been trying to figure it out since the first time you commented. Thank you again.

Triggering rant

Ah blog world, you're like my own little journal entry space that no one in the household could ever get into. Nice.

SO....I haven't posted since August 1 or something like that? I have a few drafts saved in here that never seemed to get finished, we'll see how this one goes.

At the time of my last post I was still riding off the high of having moved into my new apartment and loving being out of where I was and how thrilled I was at my coffee pot purchase. Back to normal now UPdownUPdownUPdown. Sometimes I'd swear there were bi-polar people, but really it's not that anyone is bi-polar, they're just polar opposites from one another. I supposed that is a sort of Bi-Polar all it's own isn't it?

This is a possibly triggering rant, so read at your own discretion. (I've been learning about 'triggers')

I am annoyed. Work is insane. My insides are flipping out for no apparent reason and not telling me why. I'm proud that I cried in front of my therapist for the first time and we've made some real progress after taking a 2 month break, but honestly, I'm ready for another one. I can't do therapy and work and function all at the same time, I need to as a treasured friend put it, "pace myself". Today and the last few days while at work, I daydream about death and how nice a way out it seems sometimes. I have a poem that reads "peace only comes with the grave". Parts say, "That's absurd! We know better through Yeshua!" But most say, "Yeah, we agree" I even hesitate going to sessions for the sheer fact that I feel like I'm wasting her time because right now, I'm not willing to work to get better anymore, I just want it over. It feels like this tohu v'bohu will never end - and I know a further depth of the meaning of that phrase and that's exactly how I feel.

She promises things will change and while I see myself taking steps forward, it's like with each one, there are three steps back...sort of like the economy, I keep going into debt to make the here and now a little bit better and I'm feeling the heat of the creditor telling me to pay up. In many ways I feel ready to 'pay up'. I could spend hours apologizing to her because she's so lovingly poured so much into me and here I am just wishing I wasn't. I feel like the most prideful, ungrateful, selfish person in the world. See how many "I"s are in this paragraph? I'm more blessed than I ever deserve and have a crew full of people who love me and this.

SO, I went to a Dr. and they are putting me on a low dose anti-depressant. I thought it was the first time for me to try anything like this, BUT I remembered that when I was 16, my OB/GYN put me on Prozac for a time when I was going crazy. I think that if therapy is going to work, there has to be at least two willing participants: A) therapist and B) client. It doesn't work so well when one decides to call it quits and I'm SO THERE.

Last Thursday - gone, I have no idea where it went, no idea what happened. The team tells me, "It was business as usual." 2 weeks between May and June - gone, still don't know anything about that. I'm back to cutting and daydreaming about things that I ought not - something is not right here. I'm tired, so very very tired. I keep telling myself that things will be better and I can sleep this off, but every morning when I wake up (if I was lucky enough to sleep longer than a cat nap) this thing hangs over me. I am not afraid of casting out demons- I've had a lot of practice on both sides of it and know how to war. I just don't have the fight in me anymore.

Here's to the meds, may they kick in quickly before I start packing my stuff and planning my will again. I can be so stupid.

Sorry, bad day. I'll sleep this off.

Nightmares

Today I read a question from someone on facebook about nightmares and how sometimes it gets to where you have difficulty differientiating between what is real and what is dream or memory. I have this theory that they come because they need to get out. I hate them.

Ever have them where they seemingly knock you out for a few days? I've had several like that. I read somewhere else that there is an actual nightmare disorder of sorts. Not sure what its called, but that's interesting to know none-the-less.

Went for a sleep study about two years ago. The gentleman administring the study told me that he had been doing his job since sleep studies were do-able and he'd never seen anyone dream as much as I did. On average, I remember 15-20 dreams a night and I wake up after almost all of them. I wake up more than that apparently, but I don't notice.

Ever get stuck in a dream and can't wake up? I suppose everyone does that.

T thinks that my dreams are indicators of how I became multiple. I sometimes think my T is as crazy as I am, but I adore her just the same.

I don't like scary dreams, but then...who does? I think that's where all those freaky comic books and gory movies and horror novels come from because how else can people come up with the sick stuff they do??? I'd love to know where my dreams originate from because some days I'd really love to turn them off so the body can rest.

Team reactions to dreams:

Day timers, or the Alpha team usually know that dreams are happening and will often jolt us out of a bad one or at least settle the little ones down when the body physically wakes up.

Body team - would prefer to stay under the covers or hide in the shower for hours in the dark. Sick ain't it??

Night team - most of the littles are a part of the night team, many of them do not sleep at all. Some of them are so sweet though. I enjoy waking up to pictures they've colored or drawn while the majority of everyone else is asleep, although they know now that they should only do that when an adult is up with them. I don't think they sleep at all at night, their little internal clocks are so backwards. They feel safest when things are quiet, but the dreams shake things up like craZay!

I am so sleepy I can hardly finish this post. Maybe I'll post the night's adventures next.....