Emotions are beneficial, regardless of what my mind tells me. G-d gave them to us for a reason. They are good and useful when in proper balance.
...therein lies my problem.
Memories seem to come to me in floods mostly it seems. One day...nothing, whole years of things I forgot and honestly would prefer to have forgotten. With those memories come emotions...or at least I think they should??
When I first began to remember things, it was before I'd started seeing my therapist and for the first several days, there was no emotion whatsoever. I disclosed my memories to a friend (which was a miracle in itself) who said to me, "Wow you're taking this well, I'd be curled up in a ball somewhere". She later told me she'd been very worried that I had become stoic because I showed no emotion towards what I remembered. I'm sure it made it difficult to believe, but there were other factors she knew about and these memories just served to tie it together.
About a week or so after remembering is when it started to hit me and then I crashed big time. That crash was so terrifying that I finally broke down and called my friend of one year and scheduled an appointment. I'd known her for 6 months before I realized what she did, I guess we just never got to that subject, we were always chatting about other things. She's proven to be an incredible gem in my life and I have no doubt that our Messiah caused our paths to cross. Most websites that I've read tell me never to choose a counselor that I know, but I honestly don't think I would have talked to anyone else.
Today I remembered something while driving in the car - I heard a sound that instantly brought me back to a situation where I could have easily been killed. Suddenly it was though I was there in that moment - it was a flashback. They happen. I didn't lose it.l I didn't freak out, but then I'm not really the type that does...I wish I was. I wish I could produce tears, but oh well. If you knew me IRL, you wouldn't notice me at all..I'm not a weird person or anything. I can laugh great big belly laughs, I can crack jokes and carry on in the business world as I do every day - I have very good fronters. Thank you wonderful A team! YOU are the BEST!
At this moment, I really don't feel anything towards it, I just remember that it happened. Should I feel something? I dunno? One thing I clearly remember about that memory is what I was thinking at the moment it was going on. I was thinking, I should be afraid right now and I'm not. Something about that seemed strange to me at the time and yet I was only a child. I think I'd already made very clear barriers at that point and had already been well taught how to forget. Now I remember and I'm not sure how I'm supposed to feel if anything, if at all even.
On the other hand... I actually CAN produce tears (Tears can cry, but she rarely comes out), but when I do...Katie, bar the door! After that crash noted above, I was found curled up in a bathtub crying (for the 3rd day straight) and had made roughly 300 cuts and 30 burns. I don't remember any of it except dealing with the healing of those marks for quite some time. If I do release emotion, it comes like a torrential downpour and I've been taught never to let that happen, so it doesn't happen often and hasn't since that last "episode". My counselor says it's strange that I've been seeing her as long as I have and I've never cried in her presence. Our upbringing has been that you don't let anyone know when you're having problems, you just put your big girl panties on and deal with it. Big girls don't cry. Big girls don't cry. Big girls don't cry remember? No, the dead can't feel pain and that's how we're supposed to be towards things, like a dead person.
this part of it sucks and I want it to SO be over like yesterday. Please G-d, don't let me have bad dreams from this tonight.
Monday, July 11, 2011
Friday, July 8, 2011
Shabbat Shalom!
You might be a multiple if...you're a walking oxy-moron.
Yesterday I finally got the guts to call the lady who my therapist has been begging me to call for like a month now. She's multiple also and we have similar backgrounds...well sort of. It was nice to chat with somone who knows what it's like. I did a 7 hr marathon group session with her once and we sort of clicked. She's progressed much further than I so our T thought it would be a good idear for us's to connect. It only took me about 3 months to get the guts to call her, I have been a phone chicken. Actually, I didn't even call her, another fronter did because she dialed the number and hit "send" and then pushed me to the front. Sucker. I'm thankful for it now tho. I think it's because some of our similarties - I've been afraid that if I called her, she might screw up my whole denial thing. My therapist calls me the queen of denial. I've been afraid that if I talk to her, things may become reality to me and I just don't want that, I'd rather sit back and enjoy my tall ice-cold glass of "never happened". Not that it's going to get me anywhere, but hey.... its' a little more comfy.
She encouraged me not to fight with my counselor. haha, she told me I'd lose and I know perfectly well that she's right. My counselor is the sweetest, most hardcore badass person I think I've ever met. She said I needed to tell her everything, even the things that don't make sense to me. The things that aren't real to me are real to some of the others in my head and those things need to be dealt with, however I'm the strongest front and if I don't want it said, it's not getting across these lips unless without my knowledge...which inevitably happens. I see our internal "House Rules" sort of like the Pirates movies...the Code is more like "Guidelines" they say...yeah, I SO get that.
I don't always like to deal with things or even talk about them. Many insiders are terrified to deal with them as well and would rather not talk at all. I wish I could get over that and deal with this stuff. Some days I'm like, "YES, I'm going to tell everything I see, everything I know, everything they're saying. I'll go to the background and let anyone who wants to come out and talk" and then 4 seconds before I go into her office I think, "Ain't happenin" and I shut down. Other times I think, this whole thing is messed up and if it weren't for all the people in my head, I wouldn't believe a thing.
ugh, this post isn't making any sense to me either.
INTEGRATION
I don't know that I'm for it. It seems to be the goal of therapy. How can I work with it if I'm not sure I'm into the whole idea of it? I feel like I'm working against the goal sometimes and BELIEVE ME sometimes there are some who do work against it and any progression towards wholeness whatsoever. My T asked one person, "What are you getting out of this? What are getting out of being the way you are? Who's paying you?" She never answered her because I stood in front - I was afraid of what she would answer. I'm not sure I want that one to integrate unless there's a 180 degree change in her outlook.
weird post...thoughts aren't together...too many talking heads all allergic to the trees and grass and puppy fur flying around...nothing makes sense right now.
Yesterday I finally got the guts to call the lady who my therapist has been begging me to call for like a month now. She's multiple also and we have similar backgrounds...well sort of. It was nice to chat with somone who knows what it's like. I did a 7 hr marathon group session with her once and we sort of clicked. She's progressed much further than I so our T thought it would be a good idear for us's to connect. It only took me about 3 months to get the guts to call her, I have been a phone chicken. Actually, I didn't even call her, another fronter did because she dialed the number and hit "send" and then pushed me to the front. Sucker. I'm thankful for it now tho. I think it's because some of our similarties - I've been afraid that if I called her, she might screw up my whole denial thing. My therapist calls me the queen of denial. I've been afraid that if I talk to her, things may become reality to me and I just don't want that, I'd rather sit back and enjoy my tall ice-cold glass of "never happened". Not that it's going to get me anywhere, but hey.... its' a little more comfy.
She encouraged me not to fight with my counselor. haha, she told me I'd lose and I know perfectly well that she's right. My counselor is the sweetest, most hardcore badass person I think I've ever met. She said I needed to tell her everything, even the things that don't make sense to me. The things that aren't real to me are real to some of the others in my head and those things need to be dealt with, however I'm the strongest front and if I don't want it said, it's not getting across these lips unless without my knowledge...which inevitably happens. I see our internal "House Rules" sort of like the Pirates movies...the Code is more like "Guidelines" they say...yeah, I SO get that.
I don't always like to deal with things or even talk about them. Many insiders are terrified to deal with them as well and would rather not talk at all. I wish I could get over that and deal with this stuff. Some days I'm like, "YES, I'm going to tell everything I see, everything I know, everything they're saying. I'll go to the background and let anyone who wants to come out and talk" and then 4 seconds before I go into her office I think, "Ain't happenin" and I shut down. Other times I think, this whole thing is messed up and if it weren't for all the people in my head, I wouldn't believe a thing.
ugh, this post isn't making any sense to me either.
INTEGRATION
I don't know that I'm for it. It seems to be the goal of therapy. How can I work with it if I'm not sure I'm into the whole idea of it? I feel like I'm working against the goal sometimes and BELIEVE ME sometimes there are some who do work against it and any progression towards wholeness whatsoever. My T asked one person, "What are you getting out of this? What are getting out of being the way you are? Who's paying you?" She never answered her because I stood in front - I was afraid of what she would answer. I'm not sure I want that one to integrate unless there's a 180 degree change in her outlook.
weird post...thoughts aren't together...too many talking heads all allergic to the trees and grass and puppy fur flying around...nothing makes sense right now.
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