You might be a multiple if...you're a walking oxy-moron.
Yesterday I finally got the guts to call the lady who my therapist has been begging me to call for like a month now. She's multiple also and we have similar backgrounds...well sort of. It was nice to chat with somone who knows what it's like. I did a 7 hr marathon group session with her once and we sort of clicked. She's progressed much further than I so our T thought it would be a good idear for us's to connect. It only took me about 3 months to get the guts to call her, I have been a phone chicken. Actually, I didn't even call her, another fronter did because she dialed the number and hit "send" and then pushed me to the front. Sucker. I'm thankful for it now tho. I think it's because some of our similarties - I've been afraid that if I called her, she might screw up my whole denial thing. My therapist calls me the queen of denial. I've been afraid that if I talk to her, things may become reality to me and I just don't want that, I'd rather sit back and enjoy my tall ice-cold glass of "never happened". Not that it's going to get me anywhere, but hey.... its' a little more comfy.
She encouraged me not to fight with my counselor. haha, she told me I'd lose and I know perfectly well that she's right. My counselor is the sweetest, most hardcore badass person I think I've ever met. She said I needed to tell her everything, even the things that don't make sense to me. The things that aren't real to me are real to some of the others in my head and those things need to be dealt with, however I'm the strongest front and if I don't want it said, it's not getting across these lips unless without my knowledge...which inevitably happens. I see our internal "House Rules" sort of like the Pirates movies...the Code is more like "Guidelines" they say...yeah, I SO get that.
I don't always like to deal with things or even talk about them. Many insiders are terrified to deal with them as well and would rather not talk at all. I wish I could get over that and deal with this stuff. Some days I'm like, "YES, I'm going to tell everything I see, everything I know, everything they're saying. I'll go to the background and let anyone who wants to come out and talk" and then 4 seconds before I go into her office I think, "Ain't happenin" and I shut down. Other times I think, this whole thing is messed up and if it weren't for all the people in my head, I wouldn't believe a thing.
ugh, this post isn't making any sense to me either.
INTEGRATION
I don't know that I'm for it. It seems to be the goal of therapy. How can I work with it if I'm not sure I'm into the whole idea of it? I feel like I'm working against the goal sometimes and BELIEVE ME sometimes there are some who do work against it and any progression towards wholeness whatsoever. My T asked one person, "What are you getting out of this? What are getting out of being the way you are? Who's paying you?" She never answered her because I stood in front - I was afraid of what she would answer. I'm not sure I want that one to integrate unless there's a 180 degree change in her outlook.
weird post...thoughts aren't together...too many talking heads all allergic to the trees and grass and puppy fur flying around...nothing makes sense right now.
Sounds kind of familiar to me. It makes a lot of sense if you take the perspective that different voices are slipping in their opinions. Something my counselor helped me with when I didn't want to remember my past, "You already lived through it, now it is just a memory." I had some pretty tough memories to plow through but he was right, really annoyed me at the time, if I lived through it, I can tell it. Cough drops help me when I have that feeling that my throat is trying to close so I can't say the old secrets that I kept for so long. In my opinion, if you are still going to therapy most of them are looking for new options. Good luck. Ruth
ReplyDeleteCough drops eh? Thank you! I'll certainly try it. Sometimes my throat closes - but I have asthma so I never know if it's that or just fear. Sometimes my whole body suddenly weighs thousands of pounds and it's an effort to even hold my head up and open the eyes for certain conversations. I lose hearing and sight often...that part of it is so awful, but thankfully she understands and knows how to help me get past that. I will definitely try the cough drops and see how that works. Thanks again!
ReplyDeleteI am familiar with losing sight and hearing. That is now my cue that things are really bad and I need to slow down to smaller chunks. When I got hearing aides, my counselor thought it wouldn't help until he found out that I did have hearing loss on top of the stress reaction. I suspect my body knows before I do how tough a session will be.
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