Mental mornings

There it is- you were already up anyway trying to recover from the latest nightmare.  Just laying there, fiiiiinally about to doze off and...

BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP!

You really want to throw it against the wall, but you haven't the energy to turn it off so eventually you hit the snooze button.

Here it comes.  Damn! I'm still alive! G-d, why couldn't you just take me in my sleep?
Sorry, I know days are a gift from you, right now it just doesn't feel like it. Sorry I said damn, I don't deserve to live.

The day is approaching and you feel it as it gets closer. Its a dreadful feeling as the weighty-ness draws near,  the knowing that there's things to do, people to see, responsibilities to attend and the happy mask to wear. Dark, so dark.

The crew starts their good mornings:
How many PTO hours can we call in?

No! I want to color! Can I have a popsicle?

We can do this, work is great, but what to wear?

Ouch, major pain, what to do about this?

Who cares?  Here's jeans, faded black shirt, put the hair up and go.

Good morning starshine, the earth says hello!

Did you hear what she said?

I want to die.

Absolutely not, we should look professional, boss is watching us! One step at a time remember?

Where's Mommy? I don't like the dark.

There there peanuts, go back to sleepytown, the grownups have it today . You can play and color and eat Popsicles after work, deal?

Why did you bite off the nails? They were so long and pretty,  you suck!

Who are you? What's your name?

Weeeeee sunshine da-a-a  everybody's smiling oooh it's a sunshine da-ay....

You're dead!

Can I wear pigtails?

Help me, I can't do this, I'll take over and drive into a wall if this body gets up.

Shout from someone-Alphas to the front!
Snap, at attention

- Happy faces on!
Snap, in place.

BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP

Ok! I'm up I'm up....roll out of bed.

Invisible blog

Anyone know how to fix this thang from a phone??

Good Things/Bad Things

Hey look! Found my log-in info and got this shiny new app on my phone. I'm ready to blog!

Been out of touch with blogging for a while, dealing with a few things lately like everyone else I guess. Having the first of a few surgeries soon, so I'll have more time for blogging yay! Blog therapy!

On to an actual topic...

Let's get physical!

Physical issues are often a commonality among DID peeps. In many occurrences, the problems are undiagnosable by the medical community.  Something hurts. Something somewhere isn't right. We go for test after test after test, dishing out all our bill money to frustratingly discover a wall. Stooopid walls!

On the other hand,  there are very diagnosable conditions that while treatable, aren't 100% curable without a miracle (I absolutely believe in those)  and become something we are forced to live with. It becomes a chronic issue. That's what I want to write about today.

I recently read a book by Dr Steven Pollard called, "Chronic Pain: A Self-Help Guide" . It is a gut honest account of what this man has experienced.  He puts into words everything I've thought,  but haven't been able express.  I appreciate it so much, its brought me to tears a few times both for my sadness for Dr Pollard, but also in how well I was able to relate.  Pain really blows.

So,  in my quest to live more positively,  I am trying to drum up conclusions about pain that I should be grateful for.  Does that sound crazy? I can't help it. I just so happened to be a bit crazy... read the blog title after all.

Here's what I've got so far:

1)Pain's voice expresses to us that something needs to be addressed.

2 Pain can be humbling which isn't always a bad thing.

3)Pain can teach; from it I am learning to have compassion for hurting people.

4) From pain,  I can also learn to have grace and mercy towards others understanding that pain is different for everyone.

That's it for the moment.  Come on someone read this and write your GOOD pain thoughts.