Anesthesia

I had surgery a few days ago. Tonight I'm wondering if they'd just anesthitize me again just for fun? I doubt it. Until then, I'll keep swallowing sleepy meds.

I want to openly thank everyone sharing this head for being so cooperative. You guys have done a great job! Thank yoy also for taking the meds with us, I know how much you dislike them, but you know now it would have been much worse for you had you not.

Love you my peeps! Tonight I know you're frightened,  but it's ok, we're just going to rest now and not think about scary stuff ok?

Being normal

Who defines 'normal' anyway?

We are working very hard at being normal-ish since family is here to help with surgery stuff. HOWEVER, my parents are accustomed to spending time with various persons, so it works out ok. When I told them about DID, without skipping a beat my Mom said, "Well that explains a lot". Lol, so I guess normalcy hasn't ever really been my normal.

Today I'm overwhelmed with love and a feeling of wholeness just because of being with them. Physically in bad shape for a few more days, lots of scattered parts in our head but feeling whole. ..this is how normal should be.  I'm sorry for those who don't have what I do and wish they could all experience this feeling, even if just for a moment.

I think this is what normal should be.

Are you normal? Do people feel strong and whole around you?

They don't around me, but I'm working on it.

Discussing Dissociation Blog

Hey! Kathy Broady's blog is rockin! Check it out at discussingdissociation.com

She's got loads of info, excellent articles and just overall greatness. Its a MUST READ!

Mental mornings

There it is- you were already up anyway trying to recover from the latest nightmare.  Just laying there, fiiiiinally about to doze off and...

BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP!

You really want to throw it against the wall, but you haven't the energy to turn it off so eventually you hit the snooze button.

Here it comes.  Damn! I'm still alive! G-d, why couldn't you just take me in my sleep?
Sorry, I know days are a gift from you, right now it just doesn't feel like it. Sorry I said damn, I don't deserve to live.

The day is approaching and you feel it as it gets closer. Its a dreadful feeling as the weighty-ness draws near,  the knowing that there's things to do, people to see, responsibilities to attend and the happy mask to wear. Dark, so dark.

The crew starts their good mornings:
How many PTO hours can we call in?

No! I want to color! Can I have a popsicle?

We can do this, work is great, but what to wear?

Ouch, major pain, what to do about this?

Who cares?  Here's jeans, faded black shirt, put the hair up and go.

Good morning starshine, the earth says hello!

Did you hear what she said?

I want to die.

Absolutely not, we should look professional, boss is watching us! One step at a time remember?

Where's Mommy? I don't like the dark.

There there peanuts, go back to sleepytown, the grownups have it today . You can play and color and eat Popsicles after work, deal?

Why did you bite off the nails? They were so long and pretty,  you suck!

Who are you? What's your name?

Weeeeee sunshine da-a-a  everybody's smiling oooh it's a sunshine da-ay....

You're dead!

Can I wear pigtails?

Help me, I can't do this, I'll take over and drive into a wall if this body gets up.

Shout from someone-Alphas to the front!
Snap, at attention

- Happy faces on!
Snap, in place.

BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP

Ok! I'm up I'm up....roll out of bed.

Invisible blog

Anyone know how to fix this thang from a phone??

Good Things/Bad Things

Hey look! Found my log-in info and got this shiny new app on my phone. I'm ready to blog!

Been out of touch with blogging for a while, dealing with a few things lately like everyone else I guess. Having the first of a few surgeries soon, so I'll have more time for blogging yay! Blog therapy!

On to an actual topic...

Let's get physical!

Physical issues are often a commonality among DID peeps. In many occurrences, the problems are undiagnosable by the medical community.  Something hurts. Something somewhere isn't right. We go for test after test after test, dishing out all our bill money to frustratingly discover a wall. Stooopid walls!

On the other hand,  there are very diagnosable conditions that while treatable, aren't 100% curable without a miracle (I absolutely believe in those)  and become something we are forced to live with. It becomes a chronic issue. That's what I want to write about today.

I recently read a book by Dr Steven Pollard called, "Chronic Pain: A Self-Help Guide" . It is a gut honest account of what this man has experienced.  He puts into words everything I've thought,  but haven't been able express.  I appreciate it so much, its brought me to tears a few times both for my sadness for Dr Pollard, but also in how well I was able to relate.  Pain really blows.

So,  in my quest to live more positively,  I am trying to drum up conclusions about pain that I should be grateful for.  Does that sound crazy? I can't help it. I just so happened to be a bit crazy... read the blog title after all.

Here's what I've got so far:

1)Pain's voice expresses to us that something needs to be addressed.

2 Pain can be humbling which isn't always a bad thing.

3)Pain can teach; from it I am learning to have compassion for hurting people.

4) From pain,  I can also learn to have grace and mercy towards others understanding that pain is different for everyone.

That's it for the moment.  Come on someone read this and write your GOOD pain thoughts.

Agree-abilities

While we may not agree on all things like clothing, hair style, make-up colors or make-up at all, one thing we do agree on is....



CHOCOLATE


I am thrilled, that everyone in this system agrees on chocolate. If we can't find anything to agree on, we always eat a piece to remind ourselves that we do have a few things in common.

White chocolate? Dark Chocolate? Milk Chocolate? Chocolate and fruit? Chocolate and nuts? Chocolate gravy? Mole? Chocolate Liquor?

As I type this, I'm asking everyone a "Yes" or "No" I've yet to hear a "No" even from the health nuts. After all, we all eat chocolate for the magnesium and anti-oxidants right? Right. That's my story and I'm sticking to it. HA! I'm getting "Amens!" from the inside. Sometimes I really wish others could hear the conversations going on in my head. It would be a comedic relief to some and a sad sad book to others. OH well, it is what it is.

Feeling a bit better these days. I've had company back to back - which I love and didn't know I would. It's been a surprise really to so enjoy hosting people in my little abode when I'm so NOT the social butterfly. My fabulous new doctor whom I discovered by accident...literally, we ran into each other in the hall way... doubled my medication. It makes me nauseaus, but I really do think it's helping slowly but surely. I'm trying to see if I can tell a difference between whether or not it's the medication or if it's the wonderful company that I've had here lately.

My current company is also DID and has been at the healing process for 20 years. 12 of which she took a break. She works with my same therapist and has traveled thousands of miles to be here. I'm so glad, she's such a help to me. The majority of the team is very comfortable around her and comfortable talking to her knowing that she understands to a depth that few in my face-to-face world could. She's been such a support and tremendous resource of information - she knows things before I tell her and can often put into words, with explanation, things that I am experiencing now. I hope she writes a book. We need a DID for Newly Diagnosed Dummies - wouldn't that be a great idea for some of you writers??? eh?

Ah, tonight we're curling up with the sweetest chee-waa-waa on earth and chillaxin with some chocolate. Crossing my fingers that when we close the eyes to sleep, we're not met with violent terrors of the imagination, but a peaceful rest - chocolatey smooth and chocolatey rich. mmmmm Yummy!