Insert catchy title here...

Normal.

Does anyone really even know what it looks like?

Different strokes for different folks I suppose. So many things I wish I understood - I'm a bit jealous of those who appear to be outwardly living "normally" according to my perceived ideas as to what normal is.

To some people, even some like us, it's easy to go on and have a life. People continue through life, speaking from the woman's perspective: meeting their future husbands >courtship>marriage>family all of it. I can't seem to make it that far. A realization that we've recently come to is that the giving and recieving of love is a difficult concept for most of us. It's a crazy idea really, there's a depth of course to which we understand it otherwise there would have been no salvation, no receiving of Yeshua as the Messiah. There is however a facet of it that no part of this system will dare tap into all because of fear. Isn't it ironic citing the fact that perfect love casts out fear?

Dating: The last few guys I've gone out with were wonderful, intelligent, full of upright character and lovers of Yeshua. Not the first one has been pushy, ok maybe the last one, but for the most part, they've genuinely been great guys. The first few dates are always so much fun and there's such an excitment to know that someone is interested in getting to know you. Therein lies the fear. The minute that it goes from just surface "getting to know you" communication to something with a little more depth, a little more substance, I have no problem hearing and learning about them. This team however, is off limits. I instantly cut them off - and harshly.

So..... I started this post back in September and then forgot my log-in. THANK YOU FOR WHO EVER IT WAS THAT REMINDED ME!

Sad, but I'm basically in the same frame of mind. Thankfully, Halloween and my birthday have both passed and I survived yet another year and can officially say that the body is thirty-something. How awful. Not the age part so much. but more the fact that I can look back over my life and instead of thinking, "Wow, I've really done something in these last thirty-something years" I think, "I am the most unaccomplished person I know."

Someone (a relative) told me recently, "I just knew you'd be a judge by now - you've got all the makings for it!" A nephew asked, "Aren't you ever going to get married? Are you even a grown-up? You don't even have kids yet." My neice said, "You're a kid Aunt LLB". "Yeah, guys, I guess so. Aunt LLB sucks."

I know, I know, pity party going on here - Many many people have had way worse circumstances than me and gone on to accomplish great things. I used to have it together believe it or not, but then the system started to fail me. One person inside told me, "The team just got tired." She spoke of course of the key players - the Alpha team - or the happy faces as I call them. They're the day-time people that have everything together, social butterflies, workers, conversationalists, level-headed people who are ok. Apparently, everyone's exhausted. I don't get to sit back and watch things happen now - now I'm involved and I'm not as good at life as they are.

Today, I read the blog of someone raised in foster care who had a tremendously difficult - to put it lightly- upbringing. I have had an amazing upbringing  - wth am i so screwed up?

So many thoughts in this head...

WHY am I so screwed up?
Its not that bad, I don't feel a thing.
You're still in denial - T. says that we are the Queen of Denial and that not much will be accomplished in our sessions until we deal with that.
It's not denial if its not real - imagination, that is what this is.
Nothing is real - this is all a dream. Everything...even the dogs.
Screw it all. You suck. I hate you and wish you were dead.
Not a good idea - too much debt, bank would take everything. Maybe after the credit card is paid off and the car note is a little further down. out of sight out of mind
You're minimizing.
No I'm not. I'm weak and need my ass kicked into gear. I'm lazy and need to get it up and DO something.

....to name a few.

A few years ago, I had a bright and promising future. I was grounded.l I had a career in a unique field in a niche market and had just been offered an executive level position the likes of which had never been offered to someone my age before. Where has this person gone? Where did the happy go? It all started just before therapy. How do I get that back? Now I have zilch ambition, nothing particulary shiny on the horizon of life. Granted, not everything that glitters is gold, but come on - geeez maybe I'm just whining. This is first night of Hannukah - supposed to be fun! whatever - i should have taken 2 celexa today.  I'm an ungrateful person - so much given to me, so many beautiful life experiences, so many people who care and I'm taking hours in the morning trying to talk myself into getting out of bed because I'm supposed to. Somebody, please come kick my ass, I'm having an "I'm pathetic" day.

RUTH - if you read this. Thank you thank you thank you for all your comments. I so appreciate them. For some reason, when I try to reply, it always logs me out and asks me to log back in again. I do not know why, I've been trying to figure it out since the first time you commented. Thank you again.