Triggering rant

Ah blog world, you're like my own little journal entry space that no one in the household could ever get into. Nice.

SO....I haven't posted since August 1 or something like that? I have a few drafts saved in here that never seemed to get finished, we'll see how this one goes.

At the time of my last post I was still riding off the high of having moved into my new apartment and loving being out of where I was and how thrilled I was at my coffee pot purchase. Back to normal now UPdownUPdownUPdown. Sometimes I'd swear there were bi-polar people, but really it's not that anyone is bi-polar, they're just polar opposites from one another. I supposed that is a sort of Bi-Polar all it's own isn't it?

This is a possibly triggering rant, so read at your own discretion. (I've been learning about 'triggers')

I am annoyed. Work is insane. My insides are flipping out for no apparent reason and not telling me why. I'm proud that I cried in front of my therapist for the first time and we've made some real progress after taking a 2 month break, but honestly, I'm ready for another one. I can't do therapy and work and function all at the same time, I need to as a treasured friend put it, "pace myself". Today and the last few days while at work, I daydream about death and how nice a way out it seems sometimes. I have a poem that reads "peace only comes with the grave". Parts say, "That's absurd! We know better through Yeshua!" But most say, "Yeah, we agree" I even hesitate going to sessions for the sheer fact that I feel like I'm wasting her time because right now, I'm not willing to work to get better anymore, I just want it over. It feels like this tohu v'bohu will never end - and I know a further depth of the meaning of that phrase and that's exactly how I feel.

She promises things will change and while I see myself taking steps forward, it's like with each one, there are three steps back...sort of like the economy, I keep going into debt to make the here and now a little bit better and I'm feeling the heat of the creditor telling me to pay up. In many ways I feel ready to 'pay up'. I could spend hours apologizing to her because she's so lovingly poured so much into me and here I am just wishing I wasn't. I feel like the most prideful, ungrateful, selfish person in the world. See how many "I"s are in this paragraph? I'm more blessed than I ever deserve and have a crew full of people who love me and this.

SO, I went to a Dr. and they are putting me on a low dose anti-depressant. I thought it was the first time for me to try anything like this, BUT I remembered that when I was 16, my OB/GYN put me on Prozac for a time when I was going crazy. I think that if therapy is going to work, there has to be at least two willing participants: A) therapist and B) client. It doesn't work so well when one decides to call it quits and I'm SO THERE.

Last Thursday - gone, I have no idea where it went, no idea what happened. The team tells me, "It was business as usual." 2 weeks between May and June - gone, still don't know anything about that. I'm back to cutting and daydreaming about things that I ought not - something is not right here. I'm tired, so very very tired. I keep telling myself that things will be better and I can sleep this off, but every morning when I wake up (if I was lucky enough to sleep longer than a cat nap) this thing hangs over me. I am not afraid of casting out demons- I've had a lot of practice on both sides of it and know how to war. I just don't have the fight in me anymore.

Here's to the meds, may they kick in quickly before I start packing my stuff and planning my will again. I can be so stupid.

Sorry, bad day. I'll sleep this off.