Change

We typically have a love/hate relationship with change. Change is a constant. ESPECIALLY in this head. One moment we're flying high in the things of G-d and the next we're ready to jump off the Hi-Five in rush hour traffic.

I (D-the strong believing one) am an Arthur Burke junkie. A lot of his stuff talks about how we're born with packages. The enemy sets up packages full of ancestral curses and sins all together just waiting. I knew a lady who when looking at her daughter shortly before she was to give birth to her grandchild, saw demons lined all around the girl. They weren't oppressing her or really affecting her so much, but they were preparing for the birth of that baby, ready to attach themselves and set up a lifetime of snares right then.

Another view of the packages, and the most important one is the G-d packages. YES! He gives them too. He's written His plans for us before the foundations of the world. Nothing in our lives takes Him by surprise. He neatly packages us with His gifts, His callings, His destiny for our lives. The plans of the enemy pale in comparison. They cannot really even BE compared.

THE UNFOLDING

The trick is opening the package. For some it is an easy thing, they look for it, they strive for it. For others, its terrifying. I've a friend with a strong prophetic/mercy heart that I know the enemy is terrified of and G-d is getting ready to release. She's never been around the things of the Spirit, so there's a lot that she doesn't understand, she has no idea how packed full of wonderful, good, G-d stuff she is. No one's ever noticed, no one in her life has recognized and called it out. What's wrong with us Christians these days?

When we discover a measure of what G-d has put in us, it makes it more easy to understand our place in His kingdom.

SURRENDER

For anyone who's ever struggled with pride/false pride/worthlessness this is a biggie and I'll tell you why...

In order for us to really step into our place in the Body of Christ, we've got to surrender to the fact that there's something GOOD in us. Many of us don't believe that. Many think its impossible because we're too dirty, done too much, too bad, too stupid to get to the place where G-d can actually use us. This requires a recognition of HIS Spirit placed in us, it requires recognition of beautiful and wonderful things that we normally, in our natural minds can't even begin to process.

As a multiple, this is especially difficult. There's often parts who are 180 degrees from where we are. We have at least 2 with us who've tried to kill us and some just this year and the cutting, the suicidal tendencies and obsessions with death have been a struggle for many years. G-d will deliver them of that, I'm certain because there's a purpose for us to fulfill.

In the last few weeks, G-d has really been messing with me - in a good way and part of it is this whole surrender business. I've been listening to Carol Kornacki's testimony about 100 times and am reminded how G-d can do absolutely anything.

My surrender? G-d's given me an anointing to recognize, call out and activate the gifts and callings within people. I am a prophetic psalmist - not the best voice, not the best pianist by any means, but called and chosen. For me to ADMIT that is huge - may sound funny to anyone else, but it is what it is. When I was young, evil people recognized and tried to take advantage of the seer's gift in me and turn it for evil. They were conditioning me in unholy ways for very unholy purposes.

In the last few weeks G-d's been setting a fire in me, I dunno, maybe it has something to do with my birthday coming up, maybe it has something to do with the fact that we're living in the last days, maybe its because He's tired of us being scattered? I'm not sure, but He's doing it. My prayer is that He will give me grace and help me keep my eyes, hears and heart focused on Him and His purposes, considering eternity in ever thought and action.

Some days, most often when I'm in front, we're doing good - hanging on. The anger is repressed, the suicide and death obsession is repressed S. and R. are somewhere in the background doing whatever in the dark under layers wherever they stay. I'm praying also for S. and R. and whoever else hides under those two dark places. I'm asking Him to shine His light in those places. The P's - the main fronters don't want too see, don't want to acknowledge what was done but are hanging onto what is. They're terrified that tomorrow, we'll slip right back down into some dark place, striving to even WANT to live. No. I don't feel like this time there will be such a striving. Something's changed. Something's different and it's going all through the system.

This is a change that I want, this is a change that everyone sharing this body needs. Even so, come quickly L-rd Jesus!

Wanna change with me?

Recovery

Its a huge word...recovery. Selah.

I live a privileged life.  Not so much financially,  but my little world is abundantly filled with love.

Still recovering from surgery and doing so quite nicely if I do say so. A few more kinks to work out, but it is what it is. 

Physical recovery is so different from mental recovery. In one sense I'm getting my life back by slowly relieving the physical pain. Mentally however it's a battle. Much of the group internally wants to see it through to the end while the bigger scarrier parts want everyone over right now.  They're angry we woke from surgery. More so to find that a second surgery will be postponed. Conflicts like this can be almost unbearable, I write as the primary fronting member of the team. My job typically consists of holding the groups together and  keeping things functioning on the outside regardless of what's happening inside our head.

Strange how people sharing one body can be polar opposites. Looking around me this very moment,  I can see little touches of love and life that have long since been removed.  I was giving into the other, darker parts of the team and felt hopeless.  Now things are changing and I don't want to go back to the 'dark side'  It really is dark in many places. I can't hold everything together like I used to,  people are as disagreeable as our current government.

How do I get past this?  I'm trying to remind myself often that there's a process to recovery.  Following surgery comes physical therapy.  It doesn't happen as instantly as I would like,  but it will happen.  Soon, I'll be driving again,  working again and in my same ole routine. While there are obstacles to face and overcome,  there's an ending. There's a light at the end of the tunnel.  Regardless of how it looks and feels on the inside right now, I know there's an end and I'm looking forward to it.

Revovery....huge word

Anesthesia

I had surgery a few days ago. Tonight I'm wondering if they'd just anesthitize me again just for fun? I doubt it. Until then, I'll keep swallowing sleepy meds.

I want to openly thank everyone sharing this head for being so cooperative. You guys have done a great job! Thank yoy also for taking the meds with us, I know how much you dislike them, but you know now it would have been much worse for you had you not.

Love you my peeps! Tonight I know you're frightened,  but it's ok, we're just going to rest now and not think about scary stuff ok?

Being normal

Who defines 'normal' anyway?

We are working very hard at being normal-ish since family is here to help with surgery stuff. HOWEVER, my parents are accustomed to spending time with various persons, so it works out ok. When I told them about DID, without skipping a beat my Mom said, "Well that explains a lot". Lol, so I guess normalcy hasn't ever really been my normal.

Today I'm overwhelmed with love and a feeling of wholeness just because of being with them. Physically in bad shape for a few more days, lots of scattered parts in our head but feeling whole. ..this is how normal should be.  I'm sorry for those who don't have what I do and wish they could all experience this feeling, even if just for a moment.

I think this is what normal should be.

Are you normal? Do people feel strong and whole around you?

They don't around me, but I'm working on it.

Discussing Dissociation Blog

Hey! Kathy Broady's blog is rockin! Check it out at discussingdissociation.com

She's got loads of info, excellent articles and just overall greatness. Its a MUST READ!

Mental mornings

There it is- you were already up anyway trying to recover from the latest nightmare.  Just laying there, fiiiiinally about to doze off and...

BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP!

You really want to throw it against the wall, but you haven't the energy to turn it off so eventually you hit the snooze button.

Here it comes.  Damn! I'm still alive! G-d, why couldn't you just take me in my sleep?
Sorry, I know days are a gift from you, right now it just doesn't feel like it. Sorry I said damn, I don't deserve to live.

The day is approaching and you feel it as it gets closer. Its a dreadful feeling as the weighty-ness draws near,  the knowing that there's things to do, people to see, responsibilities to attend and the happy mask to wear. Dark, so dark.

The crew starts their good mornings:
How many PTO hours can we call in?

No! I want to color! Can I have a popsicle?

We can do this, work is great, but what to wear?

Ouch, major pain, what to do about this?

Who cares?  Here's jeans, faded black shirt, put the hair up and go.

Good morning starshine, the earth says hello!

Did you hear what she said?

I want to die.

Absolutely not, we should look professional, boss is watching us! One step at a time remember?

Where's Mommy? I don't like the dark.

There there peanuts, go back to sleepytown, the grownups have it today . You can play and color and eat Popsicles after work, deal?

Why did you bite off the nails? They were so long and pretty,  you suck!

Who are you? What's your name?

Weeeeee sunshine da-a-a  everybody's smiling oooh it's a sunshine da-ay....

You're dead!

Can I wear pigtails?

Help me, I can't do this, I'll take over and drive into a wall if this body gets up.

Shout from someone-Alphas to the front!
Snap, at attention

- Happy faces on!
Snap, in place.

BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP

Ok! I'm up I'm up....roll out of bed.

Invisible blog

Anyone know how to fix this thang from a phone??

Good Things/Bad Things

Hey look! Found my log-in info and got this shiny new app on my phone. I'm ready to blog!

Been out of touch with blogging for a while, dealing with a few things lately like everyone else I guess. Having the first of a few surgeries soon, so I'll have more time for blogging yay! Blog therapy!

On to an actual topic...

Let's get physical!

Physical issues are often a commonality among DID peeps. In many occurrences, the problems are undiagnosable by the medical community.  Something hurts. Something somewhere isn't right. We go for test after test after test, dishing out all our bill money to frustratingly discover a wall. Stooopid walls!

On the other hand,  there are very diagnosable conditions that while treatable, aren't 100% curable without a miracle (I absolutely believe in those)  and become something we are forced to live with. It becomes a chronic issue. That's what I want to write about today.

I recently read a book by Dr Steven Pollard called, "Chronic Pain: A Self-Help Guide" . It is a gut honest account of what this man has experienced.  He puts into words everything I've thought,  but haven't been able express.  I appreciate it so much, its brought me to tears a few times both for my sadness for Dr Pollard, but also in how well I was able to relate.  Pain really blows.

So,  in my quest to live more positively,  I am trying to drum up conclusions about pain that I should be grateful for.  Does that sound crazy? I can't help it. I just so happened to be a bit crazy... read the blog title after all.

Here's what I've got so far:

1)Pain's voice expresses to us that something needs to be addressed.

2 Pain can be humbling which isn't always a bad thing.

3)Pain can teach; from it I am learning to have compassion for hurting people.

4) From pain,  I can also learn to have grace and mercy towards others understanding that pain is different for everyone.

That's it for the moment.  Come on someone read this and write your GOOD pain thoughts.