Normal.
Does anyone really even know what it looks like?
Different strokes for different folks I suppose. So many things I wish I understood - I'm a bit jealous of those who appear to be outwardly living "normally" according to my perceived ideas as to what normal is.
To some people, even some like us, it's easy to go on and have a life. People continue through life, speaking from the woman's perspective: meeting their future husbands >courtship>marriage>family all of it. I can't seem to make it that far. A realization that we've recently come to is that the giving and recieving of love is a difficult concept for most of us. It's a crazy idea really, there's a depth of course to which we understand it otherwise there would have been no salvation, no receiving of Yeshua as the Messiah. There is however a facet of it that no part of this system will dare tap into all because of fear. Isn't it ironic citing the fact that perfect love casts out fear?
Dating: The last few guys I've gone out with were wonderful, intelligent, full of upright character and lovers of Yeshua. Not the first one has been pushy, ok maybe the last one, but for the most part, they've genuinely been great guys. The first few dates are always so much fun and there's such an excitment to know that someone is interested in getting to know you. Therein lies the fear. The minute that it goes from just surface "getting to know you" communication to something with a little more depth, a little more substance, I have no problem hearing and learning about them. This team however, is off limits. I instantly cut them off - and harshly.
So..... I started this post back in September and then forgot my log-in. THANK YOU FOR WHO EVER IT WAS THAT REMINDED ME!
Sad, but I'm basically in the same frame of mind. Thankfully, Halloween and my birthday have both passed and I survived yet another year and can officially say that the body is thirty-something. How awful. Not the age part so much. but more the fact that I can look back over my life and instead of thinking, "Wow, I've really done something in these last thirty-something years" I think, "I am the most unaccomplished person I know."
Someone (a relative) told me recently, "I just knew you'd be a judge by now - you've got all the makings for it!" A nephew asked, "Aren't you ever going to get married? Are you even a grown-up? You don't even have kids yet." My neice said, "You're a kid Aunt LLB". "Yeah, guys, I guess so. Aunt LLB sucks."
I know, I know, pity party going on here - Many many people have had way worse circumstances than me and gone on to accomplish great things. I used to have it together believe it or not, but then the system started to fail me. One person inside told me, "The team just got tired." She spoke of course of the key players - the Alpha team - or the happy faces as I call them. They're the day-time people that have everything together, social butterflies, workers, conversationalists, level-headed people who are ok. Apparently, everyone's exhausted. I don't get to sit back and watch things happen now - now I'm involved and I'm not as good at life as they are.
Today, I read the blog of someone raised in foster care who had a tremendously difficult - to put it lightly- upbringing. I have had an amazing upbringing - wth am i so screwed up?
So many thoughts in this head...
WHY am I so screwed up?
Its not that bad, I don't feel a thing.
You're still in denial - T. says that we are the Queen of Denial and that not much will be accomplished in our sessions until we deal with that.
It's not denial if its not real - imagination, that is what this is.
Nothing is real - this is all a dream. Everything...even the dogs.
Screw it all. You suck. I hate you and wish you were dead.
Not a good idea - too much debt, bank would take everything. Maybe after the credit card is paid off and the car note is a little further down. out of sight out of mind
You're minimizing.
No I'm not. I'm weak and need my ass kicked into gear. I'm lazy and need to get it up and DO something.
....to name a few.
A few years ago, I had a bright and promising future. I was grounded.l I had a career in a unique field in a niche market and had just been offered an executive level position the likes of which had never been offered to someone my age before. Where has this person gone? Where did the happy go? It all started just before therapy. How do I get that back? Now I have zilch ambition, nothing particulary shiny on the horizon of life. Granted, not everything that glitters is gold, but come on - geeez maybe I'm just whining. This is first night of Hannukah - supposed to be fun! whatever - i should have taken 2 celexa today. I'm an ungrateful person - so much given to me, so many beautiful life experiences, so many people who care and I'm taking hours in the morning trying to talk myself into getting out of bed because I'm supposed to. Somebody, please come kick my ass, I'm having an "I'm pathetic" day.
RUTH - if you read this. Thank you thank you thank you for all your comments. I so appreciate them. For some reason, when I try to reply, it always logs me out and asks me to log back in again. I do not know why, I've been trying to figure it out since the first time you commented. Thank you again.
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
Triggering rant
Ah blog world, you're like my own little journal entry space that no one in the household could ever get into. Nice.
SO....I haven't posted since August 1 or something like that? I have a few drafts saved in here that never seemed to get finished, we'll see how this one goes.
At the time of my last post I was still riding off the high of having moved into my new apartment and loving being out of where I was and how thrilled I was at my coffee pot purchase. Back to normal now UPdownUPdownUPdown. Sometimes I'd swear there were bi-polar people, but really it's not that anyone is bi-polar, they're just polar opposites from one another. I supposed that is a sort of Bi-Polar all it's own isn't it?
This is a possibly triggering rant, so read at your own discretion. (I've been learning about 'triggers')
I am annoyed. Work is insane. My insides are flipping out for no apparent reason and not telling me why. I'm proud that I cried in front of my therapist for the first time and we've made some real progress after taking a 2 month break, but honestly, I'm ready for another one. I can't do therapy and work and function all at the same time, I need to as a treasured friend put it, "pace myself". Today and the last few days while at work, I daydream about death and how nice a way out it seems sometimes. I have a poem that reads "peace only comes with the grave". Parts say, "That's absurd! We know better through Yeshua!" But most say, "Yeah, we agree" I even hesitate going to sessions for the sheer fact that I feel like I'm wasting her time because right now, I'm not willing to work to get better anymore, I just want it over. It feels like this tohu v'bohu will never end - and I know a further depth of the meaning of that phrase and that's exactly how I feel.
She promises things will change and while I see myself taking steps forward, it's like with each one, there are three steps back...sort of like the economy, I keep going into debt to make the here and now a little bit better and I'm feeling the heat of the creditor telling me to pay up. In many ways I feel ready to 'pay up'. I could spend hours apologizing to her because she's so lovingly poured so much into me and here I am just wishing I wasn't. I feel like the most prideful, ungrateful, selfish person in the world. See how many "I"s are in this paragraph? I'm more blessed than I ever deserve and have a crew full of people who love me and this.
SO, I went to a Dr. and they are putting me on a low dose anti-depressant. I thought it was the first time for me to try anything like this, BUT I remembered that when I was 16, my OB/GYN put me on Prozac for a time when I was going crazy. I think that if therapy is going to work, there has to be at least two willing participants: A) therapist and B) client. It doesn't work so well when one decides to call it quits and I'm SO THERE.
Last Thursday - gone, I have no idea where it went, no idea what happened. The team tells me, "It was business as usual." 2 weeks between May and June - gone, still don't know anything about that. I'm back to cutting and daydreaming about things that I ought not - something is not right here. I'm tired, so very very tired. I keep telling myself that things will be better and I can sleep this off, but every morning when I wake up (if I was lucky enough to sleep longer than a cat nap) this thing hangs over me. I am not afraid of casting out demons- I've had a lot of practice on both sides of it and know how to war. I just don't have the fight in me anymore.
Here's to the meds, may they kick in quickly before I start packing my stuff and planning my will again. I can be so stupid.
Sorry, bad day. I'll sleep this off.
SO....I haven't posted since August 1 or something like that? I have a few drafts saved in here that never seemed to get finished, we'll see how this one goes.
At the time of my last post I was still riding off the high of having moved into my new apartment and loving being out of where I was and how thrilled I was at my coffee pot purchase. Back to normal now UPdownUPdownUPdown. Sometimes I'd swear there were bi-polar people, but really it's not that anyone is bi-polar, they're just polar opposites from one another. I supposed that is a sort of Bi-Polar all it's own isn't it?
This is a possibly triggering rant, so read at your own discretion. (I've been learning about 'triggers')
I am annoyed. Work is insane. My insides are flipping out for no apparent reason and not telling me why. I'm proud that I cried in front of my therapist for the first time and we've made some real progress after taking a 2 month break, but honestly, I'm ready for another one. I can't do therapy and work and function all at the same time, I need to as a treasured friend put it, "pace myself". Today and the last few days while at work, I daydream about death and how nice a way out it seems sometimes. I have a poem that reads "peace only comes with the grave". Parts say, "That's absurd! We know better through Yeshua!" But most say, "Yeah, we agree" I even hesitate going to sessions for the sheer fact that I feel like I'm wasting her time because right now, I'm not willing to work to get better anymore, I just want it over. It feels like this tohu v'bohu will never end - and I know a further depth of the meaning of that phrase and that's exactly how I feel.
She promises things will change and while I see myself taking steps forward, it's like with each one, there are three steps back...sort of like the economy, I keep going into debt to make the here and now a little bit better and I'm feeling the heat of the creditor telling me to pay up. In many ways I feel ready to 'pay up'. I could spend hours apologizing to her because she's so lovingly poured so much into me and here I am just wishing I wasn't. I feel like the most prideful, ungrateful, selfish person in the world. See how many "I"s are in this paragraph? I'm more blessed than I ever deserve and have a crew full of people who love me and this.
SO, I went to a Dr. and they are putting me on a low dose anti-depressant. I thought it was the first time for me to try anything like this, BUT I remembered that when I was 16, my OB/GYN put me on Prozac for a time when I was going crazy. I think that if therapy is going to work, there has to be at least two willing participants: A) therapist and B) client. It doesn't work so well when one decides to call it quits and I'm SO THERE.
Last Thursday - gone, I have no idea where it went, no idea what happened. The team tells me, "It was business as usual." 2 weeks between May and June - gone, still don't know anything about that. I'm back to cutting and daydreaming about things that I ought not - something is not right here. I'm tired, so very very tired. I keep telling myself that things will be better and I can sleep this off, but every morning when I wake up (if I was lucky enough to sleep longer than a cat nap) this thing hangs over me. I am not afraid of casting out demons- I've had a lot of practice on both sides of it and know how to war. I just don't have the fight in me anymore.
Here's to the meds, may they kick in quickly before I start packing my stuff and planning my will again. I can be so stupid.
Sorry, bad day. I'll sleep this off.
Nightmares
Today I read a question from someone on facebook about nightmares and how sometimes it gets to where you have difficulty differientiating between what is real and what is dream or memory. I have this theory that they come because they need to get out. I hate them.
Ever have them where they seemingly knock you out for a few days? I've had several like that. I read somewhere else that there is an actual nightmare disorder of sorts. Not sure what its called, but that's interesting to know none-the-less.
Went for a sleep study about two years ago. The gentleman administring the study told me that he had been doing his job since sleep studies were do-able and he'd never seen anyone dream as much as I did. On average, I remember 15-20 dreams a night and I wake up after almost all of them. I wake up more than that apparently, but I don't notice.
Ever get stuck in a dream and can't wake up? I suppose everyone does that.
T thinks that my dreams are indicators of how I became multiple. I sometimes think my T is as crazy as I am, but I adore her just the same.
I don't like scary dreams, but then...who does? I think that's where all those freaky comic books and gory movies and horror novels come from because how else can people come up with the sick stuff they do??? I'd love to know where my dreams originate from because some days I'd really love to turn them off so the body can rest.
Team reactions to dreams:
Day timers, or the Alpha team usually know that dreams are happening and will often jolt us out of a bad one or at least settle the little ones down when the body physically wakes up.
Body team - would prefer to stay under the covers or hide in the shower for hours in the dark. Sick ain't it??
Night team - most of the littles are a part of the night team, many of them do not sleep at all. Some of them are so sweet though. I enjoy waking up to pictures they've colored or drawn while the majority of everyone else is asleep, although they know now that they should only do that when an adult is up with them. I don't think they sleep at all at night, their little internal clocks are so backwards. They feel safest when things are quiet, but the dreams shake things up like craZay!
I am so sleepy I can hardly finish this post. Maybe I'll post the night's adventures next.....
Ever have them where they seemingly knock you out for a few days? I've had several like that. I read somewhere else that there is an actual nightmare disorder of sorts. Not sure what its called, but that's interesting to know none-the-less.
Went for a sleep study about two years ago. The gentleman administring the study told me that he had been doing his job since sleep studies were do-able and he'd never seen anyone dream as much as I did. On average, I remember 15-20 dreams a night and I wake up after almost all of them. I wake up more than that apparently, but I don't notice.
Ever get stuck in a dream and can't wake up? I suppose everyone does that.
T thinks that my dreams are indicators of how I became multiple. I sometimes think my T is as crazy as I am, but I adore her just the same.
I don't like scary dreams, but then...who does? I think that's where all those freaky comic books and gory movies and horror novels come from because how else can people come up with the sick stuff they do??? I'd love to know where my dreams originate from because some days I'd really love to turn them off so the body can rest.
Team reactions to dreams:
Day timers, or the Alpha team usually know that dreams are happening and will often jolt us out of a bad one or at least settle the little ones down when the body physically wakes up.
Body team - would prefer to stay under the covers or hide in the shower for hours in the dark. Sick ain't it??
Night team - most of the littles are a part of the night team, many of them do not sleep at all. Some of them are so sweet though. I enjoy waking up to pictures they've colored or drawn while the majority of everyone else is asleep, although they know now that they should only do that when an adult is up with them. I don't think they sleep at all at night, their little internal clocks are so backwards. They feel safest when things are quiet, but the dreams shake things up like craZay!
I am so sleepy I can hardly finish this post. Maybe I'll post the night's adventures next.....
Monday, August 1, 2011
New!
Haven't looked at the last post to see what was written, BUT I figured I could write and if its redundant, than my 2 followers who understand DID, will "get it" haha. Oooooh brother!
Well, its all cozy in my new apartment and it's beautiful, in a beautiful place, smells beautiful and is sparkly clean. I love that I'm not in the my area's ghetto any longer!
Things are going so well- there have been moments but I've been trying to do things to keep me, how shall I say... peppy???
A friend borrowed a favorite CD of mine and recently returned it. I've found that as simple as it is, it's been a little treasure of mine. It's instrumental swing jazz and is upbeat and fun. You can't help but do a little bee-bop while listening to it. I love it. So in the mornings, I've been listening to it on the way to the office. It somehow holds the fronters in position - though sometime I have no idea who's in front because most are co-conscious and I'm always watching. That's how it feels right now - I'm watching and listening to someone else do the talking and walking, but I'm enjoying every minute of it so I don't mind at all. I've even been SOCIABLE - OH MY!
Something I love when I'm in moods like this - is how clean everything is kept. I'm not a clean freak by any means....but SOMEONE in there is haha and I love that and wish I were more like it.
Next....
It is interesting for me to be where I am observing. Nearly a week ago I was spiraling and today I'm on top of the world. Sometimes I think I'm bi-polar, but I know that's not it, I know its simply someone else and I'm starting to recognize the patterns, I just wish they'd talk to me a little more. I have a harder time at night of course and then there's the inevitable dread of going to sleep because you never know what you'll dream. THEN in the mornings, everything is bright and beautiful again. It's not always like that. Sometimes the mornings can be just as dark as the night and sometimes the night can hit mid-afternoon when the pressure's on to hit deadlines, but I know that when push comes to shove, there will be days like this. Days when I can sit back and watch things happen, watch things fall in to place as they should because someone else is driving and they ultimately drive better than me.
I know who it is. She refused to come out for a while because she wanted me to step it up (at my request, I'd asked her to help me) and I did but I needed a break and she was ready to go, so it's worked out perfectly. THANK YOU DEAR ONE, YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE!!
At first, when the diagnoses of DID came into play, I was angry that there were other people there and I just wanted them gone. Then after a while, I realized how much they'd done for me, what they've given and given up. I realized that theirs were the voices I would hear cheering me on when no one else in the whole world knew I needed it. That's not to say that there aren't those who do the opposite. In fact, I have more opposers than I do team mates, but I think we're playing on a more level field than ever before right now and that makes me a happy camper.
BREAK
Still on break from therapy. A friend told me, "When you decide to take you break, drop everything having to do with it at the door and don't pick it up, don't think about it, don't even go there and just enjoy the time and have fun" I've tried to do that and found myself obsessing over it. Haha - imagine that. BUT Its helped me because I've had the time to process so much of what's taken place...
FOR INSTANCE -
I went to the store to buy a new coffee pot. I wanted a programmable one so I can wake up to coffee in the morning. I found one I wanted and many boxes were under the display, so I grabbed one and continued shopping. Got to the register and found it to be $2.00 cheaper than I thought - SCORE! Got home, unpacked, unwrapped, washed and ran some water through it just because...did all of that before realizing that this was NOT the coffee pot I wanted. This one was not programmable. WHAA???
SO, the reasoning began, "Well you don't drink much coffee at home anyway since there's an unlimited pot at the office and it's way cheaper - this one will do"
ANother said, "NO, Don't settle, get the one you want. This one is not it, get off your lazy a** and do it, get the one you really wanted in the first place. "
Another, "Who cares? It's a coffee pot"
Another, "Hello?!? Coffee is serious business, we can't have just ANY coffee pot, it should be the right one and it should match the rest of the appliances."
Another, "You're too lazy to get it, just be happy with what you got"
Another, "You shouldn't have spent the money, you should bring it back, what about the curtains?"
Another, "Yes I agree"
Another, "Coffee?? icky, why would anyone wanna drink that stuff?"
Another, "Mmmmm I want coffee now!"
and on and on and on it went - sometimes I just have to giggle at everyone, they make me laugh.
I decided not to settle and got off my lazy a** and got the one I wanted and couldn't believe the rounds of "I'm proud of you"s that I got from the inside. We settled on the ghetto apt because we desperately needed to get out the situation we were in. We settled on the car after the accident because we had to have one right then and the pressure was intense. We settled on getting run over at home, in the office, with friends - no more. No more settling. Done. Finit-O. LLB's gonna get what LLB wants.
I got my coffee pot, brought it home and it fits. It just fits.
Monday, July 11, 2011
EmOTIonALRolLERCoaSTEr
Emotions are beneficial, regardless of what my mind tells me. G-d gave them to us for a reason. They are good and useful when in proper balance.
...therein lies my problem.
Memories seem to come to me in floods mostly it seems. One day...nothing, whole years of things I forgot and honestly would prefer to have forgotten. With those memories come emotions...or at least I think they should??
When I first began to remember things, it was before I'd started seeing my therapist and for the first several days, there was no emotion whatsoever. I disclosed my memories to a friend (which was a miracle in itself) who said to me, "Wow you're taking this well, I'd be curled up in a ball somewhere". She later told me she'd been very worried that I had become stoic because I showed no emotion towards what I remembered. I'm sure it made it difficult to believe, but there were other factors she knew about and these memories just served to tie it together.
About a week or so after remembering is when it started to hit me and then I crashed big time. That crash was so terrifying that I finally broke down and called my friend of one year and scheduled an appointment. I'd known her for 6 months before I realized what she did, I guess we just never got to that subject, we were always chatting about other things. She's proven to be an incredible gem in my life and I have no doubt that our Messiah caused our paths to cross. Most websites that I've read tell me never to choose a counselor that I know, but I honestly don't think I would have talked to anyone else.
Today I remembered something while driving in the car - I heard a sound that instantly brought me back to a situation where I could have easily been killed. Suddenly it was though I was there in that moment - it was a flashback. They happen. I didn't lose it.l I didn't freak out, but then I'm not really the type that does...I wish I was. I wish I could produce tears, but oh well. If you knew me IRL, you wouldn't notice me at all..I'm not a weird person or anything. I can laugh great big belly laughs, I can crack jokes and carry on in the business world as I do every day - I have very good fronters. Thank you wonderful A team! YOU are the BEST!
At this moment, I really don't feel anything towards it, I just remember that it happened. Should I feel something? I dunno? One thing I clearly remember about that memory is what I was thinking at the moment it was going on. I was thinking, I should be afraid right now and I'm not. Something about that seemed strange to me at the time and yet I was only a child. I think I'd already made very clear barriers at that point and had already been well taught how to forget. Now I remember and I'm not sure how I'm supposed to feel if anything, if at all even.
On the other hand... I actually CAN produce tears (Tears can cry, but she rarely comes out), but when I do...Katie, bar the door! After that crash noted above, I was found curled up in a bathtub crying (for the 3rd day straight) and had made roughly 300 cuts and 30 burns. I don't remember any of it except dealing with the healing of those marks for quite some time. If I do release emotion, it comes like a torrential downpour and I've been taught never to let that happen, so it doesn't happen often and hasn't since that last "episode". My counselor says it's strange that I've been seeing her as long as I have and I've never cried in her presence. Our upbringing has been that you don't let anyone know when you're having problems, you just put your big girl panties on and deal with it. Big girls don't cry. Big girls don't cry. Big girls don't cry remember? No, the dead can't feel pain and that's how we're supposed to be towards things, like a dead person.
this part of it sucks and I want it to SO be over like yesterday. Please G-d, don't let me have bad dreams from this tonight.
...therein lies my problem.
Memories seem to come to me in floods mostly it seems. One day...nothing, whole years of things I forgot and honestly would prefer to have forgotten. With those memories come emotions...or at least I think they should??
When I first began to remember things, it was before I'd started seeing my therapist and for the first several days, there was no emotion whatsoever. I disclosed my memories to a friend (which was a miracle in itself) who said to me, "Wow you're taking this well, I'd be curled up in a ball somewhere". She later told me she'd been very worried that I had become stoic because I showed no emotion towards what I remembered. I'm sure it made it difficult to believe, but there were other factors she knew about and these memories just served to tie it together.
About a week or so after remembering is when it started to hit me and then I crashed big time. That crash was so terrifying that I finally broke down and called my friend of one year and scheduled an appointment. I'd known her for 6 months before I realized what she did, I guess we just never got to that subject, we were always chatting about other things. She's proven to be an incredible gem in my life and I have no doubt that our Messiah caused our paths to cross. Most websites that I've read tell me never to choose a counselor that I know, but I honestly don't think I would have talked to anyone else.
Today I remembered something while driving in the car - I heard a sound that instantly brought me back to a situation where I could have easily been killed. Suddenly it was though I was there in that moment - it was a flashback. They happen. I didn't lose it.l I didn't freak out, but then I'm not really the type that does...I wish I was. I wish I could produce tears, but oh well. If you knew me IRL, you wouldn't notice me at all..I'm not a weird person or anything. I can laugh great big belly laughs, I can crack jokes and carry on in the business world as I do every day - I have very good fronters. Thank you wonderful A team! YOU are the BEST!
At this moment, I really don't feel anything towards it, I just remember that it happened. Should I feel something? I dunno? One thing I clearly remember about that memory is what I was thinking at the moment it was going on. I was thinking, I should be afraid right now and I'm not. Something about that seemed strange to me at the time and yet I was only a child. I think I'd already made very clear barriers at that point and had already been well taught how to forget. Now I remember and I'm not sure how I'm supposed to feel if anything, if at all even.
On the other hand... I actually CAN produce tears (Tears can cry, but she rarely comes out), but when I do...Katie, bar the door! After that crash noted above, I was found curled up in a bathtub crying (for the 3rd day straight) and had made roughly 300 cuts and 30 burns. I don't remember any of it except dealing with the healing of those marks for quite some time. If I do release emotion, it comes like a torrential downpour and I've been taught never to let that happen, so it doesn't happen often and hasn't since that last "episode". My counselor says it's strange that I've been seeing her as long as I have and I've never cried in her presence. Our upbringing has been that you don't let anyone know when you're having problems, you just put your big girl panties on and deal with it. Big girls don't cry. Big girls don't cry. Big girls don't cry remember? No, the dead can't feel pain and that's how we're supposed to be towards things, like a dead person.
this part of it sucks and I want it to SO be over like yesterday. Please G-d, don't let me have bad dreams from this tonight.
Friday, July 8, 2011
Shabbat Shalom!
You might be a multiple if...you're a walking oxy-moron.
Yesterday I finally got the guts to call the lady who my therapist has been begging me to call for like a month now. She's multiple also and we have similar backgrounds...well sort of. It was nice to chat with somone who knows what it's like. I did a 7 hr marathon group session with her once and we sort of clicked. She's progressed much further than I so our T thought it would be a good idear for us's to connect. It only took me about 3 months to get the guts to call her, I have been a phone chicken. Actually, I didn't even call her, another fronter did because she dialed the number and hit "send" and then pushed me to the front. Sucker. I'm thankful for it now tho. I think it's because some of our similarties - I've been afraid that if I called her, she might screw up my whole denial thing. My therapist calls me the queen of denial. I've been afraid that if I talk to her, things may become reality to me and I just don't want that, I'd rather sit back and enjoy my tall ice-cold glass of "never happened". Not that it's going to get me anywhere, but hey.... its' a little more comfy.
She encouraged me not to fight with my counselor. haha, she told me I'd lose and I know perfectly well that she's right. My counselor is the sweetest, most hardcore badass person I think I've ever met. She said I needed to tell her everything, even the things that don't make sense to me. The things that aren't real to me are real to some of the others in my head and those things need to be dealt with, however I'm the strongest front and if I don't want it said, it's not getting across these lips unless without my knowledge...which inevitably happens. I see our internal "House Rules" sort of like the Pirates movies...the Code is more like "Guidelines" they say...yeah, I SO get that.
I don't always like to deal with things or even talk about them. Many insiders are terrified to deal with them as well and would rather not talk at all. I wish I could get over that and deal with this stuff. Some days I'm like, "YES, I'm going to tell everything I see, everything I know, everything they're saying. I'll go to the background and let anyone who wants to come out and talk" and then 4 seconds before I go into her office I think, "Ain't happenin" and I shut down. Other times I think, this whole thing is messed up and if it weren't for all the people in my head, I wouldn't believe a thing.
ugh, this post isn't making any sense to me either.
INTEGRATION
I don't know that I'm for it. It seems to be the goal of therapy. How can I work with it if I'm not sure I'm into the whole idea of it? I feel like I'm working against the goal sometimes and BELIEVE ME sometimes there are some who do work against it and any progression towards wholeness whatsoever. My T asked one person, "What are you getting out of this? What are getting out of being the way you are? Who's paying you?" She never answered her because I stood in front - I was afraid of what she would answer. I'm not sure I want that one to integrate unless there's a 180 degree change in her outlook.
weird post...thoughts aren't together...too many talking heads all allergic to the trees and grass and puppy fur flying around...nothing makes sense right now.
Yesterday I finally got the guts to call the lady who my therapist has been begging me to call for like a month now. She's multiple also and we have similar backgrounds...well sort of. It was nice to chat with somone who knows what it's like. I did a 7 hr marathon group session with her once and we sort of clicked. She's progressed much further than I so our T thought it would be a good idear for us's to connect. It only took me about 3 months to get the guts to call her, I have been a phone chicken. Actually, I didn't even call her, another fronter did because she dialed the number and hit "send" and then pushed me to the front. Sucker. I'm thankful for it now tho. I think it's because some of our similarties - I've been afraid that if I called her, she might screw up my whole denial thing. My therapist calls me the queen of denial. I've been afraid that if I talk to her, things may become reality to me and I just don't want that, I'd rather sit back and enjoy my tall ice-cold glass of "never happened". Not that it's going to get me anywhere, but hey.... its' a little more comfy.
She encouraged me not to fight with my counselor. haha, she told me I'd lose and I know perfectly well that she's right. My counselor is the sweetest, most hardcore badass person I think I've ever met. She said I needed to tell her everything, even the things that don't make sense to me. The things that aren't real to me are real to some of the others in my head and those things need to be dealt with, however I'm the strongest front and if I don't want it said, it's not getting across these lips unless without my knowledge...which inevitably happens. I see our internal "House Rules" sort of like the Pirates movies...the Code is more like "Guidelines" they say...yeah, I SO get that.
I don't always like to deal with things or even talk about them. Many insiders are terrified to deal with them as well and would rather not talk at all. I wish I could get over that and deal with this stuff. Some days I'm like, "YES, I'm going to tell everything I see, everything I know, everything they're saying. I'll go to the background and let anyone who wants to come out and talk" and then 4 seconds before I go into her office I think, "Ain't happenin" and I shut down. Other times I think, this whole thing is messed up and if it weren't for all the people in my head, I wouldn't believe a thing.
ugh, this post isn't making any sense to me either.
INTEGRATION
I don't know that I'm for it. It seems to be the goal of therapy. How can I work with it if I'm not sure I'm into the whole idea of it? I feel like I'm working against the goal sometimes and BELIEVE ME sometimes there are some who do work against it and any progression towards wholeness whatsoever. My T asked one person, "What are you getting out of this? What are getting out of being the way you are? Who's paying you?" She never answered her because I stood in front - I was afraid of what she would answer. I'm not sure I want that one to integrate unless there's a 180 degree change in her outlook.
weird post...thoughts aren't together...too many talking heads all allergic to the trees and grass and puppy fur flying around...nothing makes sense right now.
Sunday, June 19, 2011
Indecisive Decisions...
I've decided to continue with my move and I think most are for it. After weighing the pros and cons, moving is clearly the best option. Today I'm packing.
Went to the store, bought paper china so I can pack all dishes and most cookware and two giant rolls of packing tape because I finished the first already. Boxes are stacked everywhere and I'm starting to feel like I've accomplished something yay.
Next...
Went to visit a friend yesterday. She's spent more than 40 years of her life married to a jerk whose head I'd like to take a baseball bat to. My Dad would have knocked this guy out if he'd ever met him.
SPEAKING of DAD! Today is Father's day!!! I love my Dad, he's the most amazing man walking planet Earth. My parents are absolute gems and have nothing whatsoever to do with the cause of my fragmentation. I wish every child born could experience a life with a father like mine. I am more blessed than I should be, they are too good for me. My dad "adopts" every friend I ever brought home...even now when all his own children have been out and on their own for years, our friends from years gone by still call our Dad on Father's day because he's incredible.
Now THERE'S something EVERYONE on the inside agrees with - Dad is the best daddy ever.
When my little ones are afraid, they often wish that he was near. We know that if he is near, we are safe and there's no harm that could come within a million miles of us. Too bad we live so far away from our wonderful parents.
It wasn't that long ago, maybe 3 months or less that the little ones understood he was their father too. They didn't know that my parents were also theirs and when they discovered that, they were OVERJOYED and we all stayed on that high for quite sometime. It's meant a great deal to them in the healing process and just the understanding of that fact is such a treasure.
Went to the store, bought paper china so I can pack all dishes and most cookware and two giant rolls of packing tape because I finished the first already. Boxes are stacked everywhere and I'm starting to feel like I've accomplished something yay.
Next...
Went to visit a friend yesterday. She's spent more than 40 years of her life married to a jerk whose head I'd like to take a baseball bat to. My Dad would have knocked this guy out if he'd ever met him.
SPEAKING of DAD! Today is Father's day!!! I love my Dad, he's the most amazing man walking planet Earth. My parents are absolute gems and have nothing whatsoever to do with the cause of my fragmentation. I wish every child born could experience a life with a father like mine. I am more blessed than I should be, they are too good for me. My dad "adopts" every friend I ever brought home...even now when all his own children have been out and on their own for years, our friends from years gone by still call our Dad on Father's day because he's incredible.
Now THERE'S something EVERYONE on the inside agrees with - Dad is the best daddy ever.
When my little ones are afraid, they often wish that he was near. We know that if he is near, we are safe and there's no harm that could come within a million miles of us. Too bad we live so far away from our wonderful parents.
It wasn't that long ago, maybe 3 months or less that the little ones understood he was their father too. They didn't know that my parents were also theirs and when they discovered that, they were OVERJOYED and we all stayed on that high for quite sometime. It's meant a great deal to them in the healing process and just the understanding of that fact is such a treasure.
Friday, June 17, 2011
Welcome!
Today I'm thankful for... aspirations surprisingly popping out of dark places...whoda thunkit?
Its been a while since I did a blog, here's my reason for getting back in the swing -
So...yesterday I sat in the eye Dr's office inwardly giggling and half-wondering ok, ok, who's messing around in here? My eye Dr is VERY good and doesn't miss a beat, however she's had to change my prescription 4 times in the last two months and two of those were in the 20 minutes I was in her office. I knew what was going on. She said, "It's as though you have more than one pair of eyes in there".... again, I inwardly giggled...and I could hear the mischievous giggles of others as well. I found out later that our drivers came out during the exams so that we could find a happy vision medium so we could see while driving through our beautiful city. Welcome to the life of a multiple.
Dissociative Identity Disorder a/k/a (DID):
According to PTSD.about.com - A person with dissociative identity disorder will have two or more separate identities that each have their own way of thinking and relating to the world. To have this disorder, a minimum of two of these identities must also take control over the person's behavior again and again.
I am a part of a large group of "Mini-Mes" as we prefer to be called. Some prefer the terms, "alters", "parts" etc...for the most part we are aware that we share a body and are all parts of one another, fragmented for many reasons that may or may not be discussed as this blog develops. Not everyone in this group is aware of the others. Not everyone is particularly thrilled to have to share as much as we do. Most are what is referred to as co-conscious. We have our ups and downs, but for the most part are working diligently at becoming better at operating together. No, I do not hear audible voices. No I am not a serial killer. If you didn't know I was DID, you might think my cheese had slid off the cracker a little, but I'm otherwise normal outwardly.
While I sat in the Drs office, knowing fully what was happening, I continued to bubble over with laughter inwardly thinking on the many "little things" and "not-so little things" that have occurred in this journey and someone said, "This is a Redneck book if ever I heard one" another said, "It's a blog just waiting to happen" so here we are.
Story time!
Friday before last, I (the primary fronting part) was just messing around on YouTube and saw a video of a massage technique that I've always been interested in delving into a bit more. Having practiced Reflexology for 10 years, I am continuously looking for ways to make people feel better. The thought popped into my head, "I'm licensed for Cosmetology, so I can rub feet and hands and ears blah blah, but why don't I do the rest?" SO I looked online, found a school, toured it two days later and registered to begin classes in August.
WELL, this impulsive decision didn't go over so well with the team as I really wasn't being very considerate of everyone. There was discussion about the price of it being too expensive, so we toured another school - beautiful place just brimming with excellence and being 5K cheaper, we just knew THIS would be the one we would settle on. Some with us didn't like it and it creeped them out. They preferred the other place, so we remain somewhat undecided. NOT TO MENTION that a decision needs to be made NOW because the beautiful, cheaper place with the class schedule that makes sense is right near where we live now whereas the other is very near the location we were planning to move to. I was already scheduled to move on July 15 because I wanted out of this apartment, so I either need to pee or get off the pot.
Another thing - some insiders DO NOT like to be touched and our therapist is not thrilled with this massage therapy idea one bit. It's been surprising though that while some dislike the idea completely, they've stated to us that they are willing to go to the background while training and while we work in this field. Isn't that kind of them? I think that's such sacrifice. They've been through so much for this group and are still willing to sacrifice their own sense of security for the benefit of the group. I also think they're beginning to trust that we're safe now and will stay that way. Perception is not always reality and we've no more reason to fear.
Consensus as of this moment is that we go ahead and move - wait another year - pay off a little more debt and THEN start class. I think I'm starting to agree. Both are great schools, but the more expensive has 200 more credit hours. The plan is.... go to school, keep the day job, work both after I get my license and pay off more debt, save for a while, then buy a house.
Anyone wanna donate to the cause? ;~)
Everything we do needs to circulate through the group, majority wins the vote. Sometimes there are little things, for example: someone wants ice cream, but someone else is on a diet. WHADOYADO? When the children are involved, ice cream ALWAYS wins!
Thought for the evening: Shabbat Shalom
Its been a while since I did a blog, here's my reason for getting back in the swing -
So...yesterday I sat in the eye Dr's office inwardly giggling and half-wondering ok, ok, who's messing around in here? My eye Dr is VERY good and doesn't miss a beat, however she's had to change my prescription 4 times in the last two months and two of those were in the 20 minutes I was in her office. I knew what was going on. She said, "It's as though you have more than one pair of eyes in there".... again, I inwardly giggled...and I could hear the mischievous giggles of others as well. I found out later that our drivers came out during the exams so that we could find a happy vision medium so we could see while driving through our beautiful city. Welcome to the life of a multiple.
Dissociative Identity Disorder a/k/a (DID):
According to PTSD.about.com - A person with dissociative identity disorder will have two or more separate identities that each have their own way of thinking and relating to the world. To have this disorder, a minimum of two of these identities must also take control over the person's behavior again and again.
I am a part of a large group of "Mini-Mes" as we prefer to be called. Some prefer the terms, "alters", "parts" etc...for the most part we are aware that we share a body and are all parts of one another, fragmented for many reasons that may or may not be discussed as this blog develops. Not everyone in this group is aware of the others. Not everyone is particularly thrilled to have to share as much as we do. Most are what is referred to as co-conscious. We have our ups and downs, but for the most part are working diligently at becoming better at operating together. No, I do not hear audible voices. No I am not a serial killer. If you didn't know I was DID, you might think my cheese had slid off the cracker a little, but I'm otherwise normal outwardly.
While I sat in the Drs office, knowing fully what was happening, I continued to bubble over with laughter inwardly thinking on the many "little things" and "not-so little things" that have occurred in this journey and someone said, "This is a Redneck book if ever I heard one" another said, "It's a blog just waiting to happen" so here we are.
Story time!
Friday before last, I (the primary fronting part) was just messing around on YouTube and saw a video of a massage technique that I've always been interested in delving into a bit more. Having practiced Reflexology for 10 years, I am continuously looking for ways to make people feel better. The thought popped into my head, "I'm licensed for Cosmetology, so I can rub feet and hands and ears blah blah, but why don't I do the rest?" SO I looked online, found a school, toured it two days later and registered to begin classes in August.
WELL, this impulsive decision didn't go over so well with the team as I really wasn't being very considerate of everyone. There was discussion about the price of it being too expensive, so we toured another school - beautiful place just brimming with excellence and being 5K cheaper, we just knew THIS would be the one we would settle on. Some with us didn't like it and it creeped them out. They preferred the other place, so we remain somewhat undecided. NOT TO MENTION that a decision needs to be made NOW because the beautiful, cheaper place with the class schedule that makes sense is right near where we live now whereas the other is very near the location we were planning to move to. I was already scheduled to move on July 15 because I wanted out of this apartment, so I either need to pee or get off the pot.
Another thing - some insiders DO NOT like to be touched and our therapist is not thrilled with this massage therapy idea one bit. It's been surprising though that while some dislike the idea completely, they've stated to us that they are willing to go to the background while training and while we work in this field. Isn't that kind of them? I think that's such sacrifice. They've been through so much for this group and are still willing to sacrifice their own sense of security for the benefit of the group. I also think they're beginning to trust that we're safe now and will stay that way. Perception is not always reality and we've no more reason to fear.
Consensus as of this moment is that we go ahead and move - wait another year - pay off a little more debt and THEN start class. I think I'm starting to agree. Both are great schools, but the more expensive has 200 more credit hours. The plan is.... go to school, keep the day job, work both after I get my license and pay off more debt, save for a while, then buy a house.
Anyone wanna donate to the cause? ;~)
Everything we do needs to circulate through the group, majority wins the vote. Sometimes there are little things, for example: someone wants ice cream, but someone else is on a diet. WHADOYADO? When the children are involved, ice cream ALWAYS wins!
Thought for the evening: Shabbat Shalom
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